VanBooven.com

"Be good and you will be lonesome." - Mark Twain

51 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE

At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the bathroom?!"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out."
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say "Boy, did you get ripped off!"
Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

BAR JOKE

This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, "That seats taken!" The little dude sits down anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan." Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from Sears."

BARNEY SONG

Sang to the Barney song:

I love you, you love me
I'm as queer as I can be
With a little tax here and little tax there
I wear Clinton's underwear

CLINTON JOKE

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of dicks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

...you have ever used lard in bed.
...you own more than 3 shirts with cut-off sleeves.
...you have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
...you consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
...your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
...the primary color of your car is Bondo.
...directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
...your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
...you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
...you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
...Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
...your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
...you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
...you have a rag for a gas cap.
...the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
...you have a hefty bag where the passenger side window of your car should be.
...you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
...you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of the message "For a good time call _______."
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
...you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
...your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
...you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
...you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
...your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
...your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
...you have ever started a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."
...you call the boss "dude."
...you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
...you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
...you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
...you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
...your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
...you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
...after making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
...anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
...your family tree is a straight line.
...you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
...you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
...you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over the fireplace.
...you still have an 8-track tape player in your car.
...you have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
...your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.
...you think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
...you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
...you've ever been to a funeral where there were more pickup trucks than cars.
...your all-time favorite movie is Cannonball Run.
...you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.
...you have a family reunion by watching America's Most Wanted.
...they have to notify next of kin by visiting the state pen.

KITTY LITTER

When I was a kid I adopted a stray cat. I couldn't afford Kitty Litter so I filled a cardboard box with dirt and kept it on the screened porch at the back of the house. We had mostly dirt in our back yard and the whole world is made out of dirt but that stubborn cat would scratch and meow at the screen door so it could get inside to use the box of dirt. We went on vacation for two weeks, took the cat, but forgot to take the box of dirt. When we got back, the cat looked like a football and could hardly walk. I don't know how to describe what happened when it got to the box of dirt. Have you ever blown up a balloon and have it slip out of your fingers before you could tie a knot in the neck?

ARKANSAS RESIDENCY APPLICATION

        STATE OF ARKANSAS
        Residency Application 
        
        Name: ________________
        (last)(_) Billy-Bob	
              (_) Billy-Joe	
              (_) Billy-Ray	
              (_) Billy-Sue	
              (_) Billy-Mae	
              (_) Billy-Jack	
              (Check appropriate box)	
        
        Age: ____
        
        Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
        
        Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right 
        
        Occupation: (_) Farmer	
                    (_) Mechanic	
                    (_) Hair Dresser	
                    (_) Un-employed	
        
        Spouse's Name: __________________________
        
        Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister
                                  (_) Brother
                                  (_) Aunt
                                  (_) Uncle
                                  (_) Cousin
                                  (_) Mother
                                  (_) Father
                                  (_) Son
                                  (_) Daughter
                                  (_) Pet
        
        Number of children living in household: ___
        Number that are yours: ___
        
        Mother's Name: _______________________
        
        Father's Name: _______________________
        (If not sure, leave blank)
        
        Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
        
        Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
        
        ___ Total number of vehicles you own
        ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
        ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
        ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
        ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
        
        Firearms you own and where you keep them:
        ____ truck
        ____ bedroom
        ____ bathroom
        ____ kitchen
        ____ shed 
        
        Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
        Does it have a gun rack?
        (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
        
        Newspapers/magazines    (_) The National Enquirer
        you subscribe to:       (_) The Globe
                                (_) TV Guide
                                (_) Soap Opera Digest
                                (_) Rifle and Shotgun
        
        ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
        ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
        ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
        
        How often do you bathe:  (_)Weekly
                                 (_)Monthly
                                 (_)Not Applicable
        
        Color of teeth:  (_)Yellow
                         (_)Brownish-Yellow
                         (_)Brown
                         (_)Black

BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5

I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users e-mail. I must admit that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all of them. I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about some relative's surgery and how the weather is over on the other side of the world - that sort of crap.

To relieve the boredom, I remove an e-mail party invite from a user's mail and post it under the sender's username alt.singles.with.severe.social.dysfunctions on news, and make a note in my diary to be there with my camcorder. Should be a blast!

Next in line is the on-line medical records database, in which the company doctors store the current medical histories of the staff. I grep it quickly for "herpes" and "syphilis" and sell the results to the local scum newspaper. I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of the doctor's on-line electronic diaries for yesterday saying "$500, Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it should take...

I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like we really use them, then start looking through archie listings for a hidden x-gif site. I find one, then start a batch job running under some user's account to get them all back, charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk space for the job by removing any files not related to the task at hand. Like all those "Doctorate Final Report" papers that have gotten quite large in the last couple of weeks.

I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened. I do a grep on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way", and post them anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup.

Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The next second, the phone rings.

"Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill Roadrunner again!

"Has the comput.."

I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can I rip the computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in. Damn! Wylie missed again!

Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin down, but that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the UPS in any case; and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle, too.

The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and it stops. Now to look like I'm working. I break out the puck and the hockey stick and play a little one-on-wall. From the observation window it'll look like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual.

10 minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what the hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's more cartoons!

The phone rings, it's a loser. (What a surprise)

"Computer Room" I say, being efficient.

"Hello, when will the compu..."

I hang up.

I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who throws spells at you and I'm in!

The phone rings again. I put it on hands-free.

"Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game.

"I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker.

"You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for me to get zapped by the wizard.

"What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles.

He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it!

Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script in his old login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer, then delete itself.

Now that's trying!

BRAIN TEASERS

There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did sloppy die?
How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, dropping them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
Paul is 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. How is this possible?
What has four legs but only one foot?
How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
Kindly old Grandfather Lunn
Is twice as old as his son
Twenty-five years ago
Their age ratio
Strange enough was three to one
When does Grandfather celebrate his centenary?
Said a certain young lady named Gwen
Of her tally of smitten young men
"one less and three more
Divided by four
Together give one more than ten"
How many boyfriends had she?
There was a young fellow named Clive
Whose bees number ten power five
The daughters to each son
Were as nineteen to one,
A truly remarkable hive.
How many sons (drones) were in the hive?
A team's opening batter named Nero
Squared his number of hits, the big hero!
After subtracting his score
He took off ten and two more
And the final result was a "zero".
How many hits did Nero make:
Some freshman from Trinity Hall
Played hockey with a wonderful ball;
Two times its weight
Plus weight squared, minus eight,
Gave "nothing" in ounces at all.
What was the weight of the ball?
A farmer needs a chain fifteen links long and finds that he has available five pieces of chain of three links each. The blacksmith tells him that it will cost him twenty cents to cut a link and thirty cents to weld a previously cut link. Assuming that the blacksmith does the job in the cheapest way, what will it cost the farmer to have the five pieces joined into one continuous chain of fifteen links?
A sailboat at sea strikes a reef and puts a 9x16 inch hole in the hull. All you have is one board one foot square. How can you cut it into two pieces so they will exactly fit the hole?
The Bar Z ranch was a dude ranch. One day a new "dude" asked one of the stable hands how many men were tending the horses in the corral. Having a mischievous sense of humor, he replied, "I saw eighty-two feet and twenty-six heads". He then walked away, leaving the dude scratching his head trying to figure it out. How many men were tending the horses?
One morning as Paul was getting his newspaper, he noticed on his new house something that needed to be fixed. Heading over to the hardware store, he spoke to the manager, describing his problem. The manager said, "I know just what you need". He led Paul down some aisles and stopped in front of some bins. Digging down into some of the bins, he set something up on the shelf. "I saw your house when it was built", the manager said. "Here's all that you'll need and how much it'll cost... five will be 15 cents while fifty will be 30 cents, 250 will be 45 cents, while 2507 will only cost you 60 cents. One lady, about 20 blocks from your house, bought 30247 and only paid 75 cents! These are black, but they also come in gold and silver." What was the manager selling?
If it takes 3 people to dig a hole, how many does it take to dig half a hole?
What is the beginning of eternity. The end of time and space. The beginning of every end. And the end of every place?

See the Answers

KFC DEAL

Here's what you do, go to Kentucky Fried Chicken and ask for the Nancy Kerrigan deal: two small breasts and a battered leg.

DARK SUCKERS

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.

The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closed door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

GATESGATE

Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.

Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply "Money" (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US currency. When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apple's theft of the Windows look and feel, and Stac's pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two examples.

Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his grand vision of "Money always at my fingertips." Gates further stated that the move to 32-bit operating systems would make it difficult "for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts. This (acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and installing software," continued Gates.

Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major ISV's appeared at the press conference and announced support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition "the most earth shattering event in the history of the world, without question." Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news "since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show." Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would "all be using it soon." Jim Seymour stated that "the miraculous Money is now the standard for currency in the United States." Hillary Clinton was not available for comment.

GATESGATE II

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.

"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math, chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infra structure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait _three_ weeks," said Bill.

Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat.

"Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up." Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance.

"Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works." Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....

..... Macintoshes ....

..... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.

"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then....

.... GO TO HELL!"

[Witness, if you will, the theme from "The Twilight Zone," gently playing in the background... of your mind; from no apparent speaker.] We once again enter... THE GATESGATE ZONE.

It may not be obvious to the non-technical, but the "numbers" are the ASCII value representations of the letters... now for the fun:

Welcome to Salem Massachusetts, circa the 20th century.

It seems well-known operating systems fall into the same category:

         M  S  -  D  O  S     6  .  2  1	
        77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
        
         W  I  N  D  O  W  S  9  5	
        87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
        
         S  Y  S  T  E  M     7  .  0	
        83+89+83+84+69+77+32+55+46+48 = 666

Coincidence? I think not!

The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.) By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII values and adding his (III), you get the following:

        B          66
        I          73
        L          76
        L          76
        G          71
        A          65
        T          84
        E          69
        S          83
        (the 3rd)   3
        -------------	
        =         666

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement??? YOU decide!

Goodbye for now... but join us again soon, in... THE GATESGATE ZONE

ADMINISTRATIUM

New Scientific Discovery Announced!!!

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively "administratium", has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic mass of zero.

However, it does have one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons".

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the researchers, a minute amount administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when normally it would have occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of about three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. One study shows that the total atomic mass actually INCREASES after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. High concentrations can be found at large corporations, political campaign offices, major universities, and particularly around all government offices. Traces are found around the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings everywhere. The highest concentration found to date is in New York City, airborne in the vicinity of the United Nations building. Even so, Washington, D.C., is expected to contain the bulk of the nation's future supply of administratium.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be very toxic at ANY level of concentration, and can easily destroy a productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Research is underway to determine how it can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage. Results to date have not been promising.

Experiments are now being developed to release administratium in a chlorofluorocarbon (CFC) compound into the ozone hole, with the hopes of halting or reversing the process. Other nations are feared to be developing military applications.

NEWS BULLETIN

        ************* NEWS BULLETIN *************
        Source: API (New York) PC Tech University
        11/9/91 Prof. M. T. Code
        *****************************************

Scientists at PC Tech, in New York, have reported discovery of a new, and possibly dangerous life form. Threatening to take over normal communications channels, this strange organism has sent shock waves through established bastions of media exchange. Professor M. T. Code, the head of the Business Communications Department at prestigious PC Tech University, released this official description of what is known of this new species.

Name: Sysoptus puttaboarduptus (var. modemus)

A roughly humanoid organism, typically found in its native habitat: a somewhat disheveled room, dimly lit by a single cathode ray tube, littered with empty soda cans, twinkie wrappers, and endless stacks of magnetic film media, encased in black jackets. Physical characteristics include slightly bugged eyes (a side effect of staring at the tube), calloused fingers (from striking small plastic plungers situated in front of the tube apparatus), flattened teeth (from gnashing), and a deeply furrowed brow. Prolonged observations will reveal the subject constantly alternating between chuckling, and swearing, with fits of muttering occurring in between. Clothing varies, but usually will display a single five dollar bill stuffed into one pocket, accompanied by a wrinkled ledger sheet entitled, "Contributions to Date". Specimens have been observed to sleep on rare occasions, but seem to react wildly to a small series of beeps, emanating from the whining gray box that supports their light source. Phsycological analysis reveals an obsessive fixation on the box and tube, with long periods of inactivity followed by frantic pounding on the plastic plungers. Wild euphoria has been observed when the box and tube seem to spring into life all on their own, and deep depression, accompanied by physical pounding on the box and other objects in the room, when their finger gyrations do not seem to elicit the proper response from the box and tube. While no actual dangerous tendencies have been observed, the odd, semi-ritualistic pre-occupation with the tube and box, along with the complex stimulus/response mechanisms demonstrated, indicate that this is a creature that is best left alone and not disturbed. It should be noted that the box/creature relationship is such that attempts to turn off the mechanism result in immediate hostile reactions from the subject. Research continues, and Professor Code is convinced that there will be a breakthrough in communications with the creatures soon. To date, all attempts to contact the beings hav e resulted in endless requests for the "password" and "security level" of the questioner. All further attempts result in the same two word phrase being mumbled by Sysoptus, "NO CARRIER..,NO CARRIER". Language and encryption experts are attempting to decipher the meaning of this odd phrase, and Dr. Code expects progress in the near future. Further details will be released at that time.

Frank Lee Laust

API, New York

POEM

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one....
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key....
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
I tried to catch the chips off-guard....
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation....
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed an died,
"Oh no....my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data....Nevermore!"
To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity....well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell....
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

POLACK JOKE

Did ya hear the one about the two Polacks driving to the east coast on the southern route? Seems as they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out, and started cleaning the restrooms! As they traveled the south they found it difficult to make any real progress as there were many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way. When they finally arrived in Alabama they came across a sign that read "Wanted, two Mexican males for rape", the two Polacks looked at each other and thought, Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!!!!

STATUES

Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other, in a park, for a hundred years.

An angel came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life to do what they had been wanting to do most. So the two statues came to life, looked at each other, and laughed a bit and said "shall we?" and "yes let's" and they slipped off behind some bushes and there was a lot of rustling.

After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes all hot and flustered and happy. The angel said they had only used half their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, Let's do it again, only this time we'll do it the other way around. I'll hold down the pigeon and you crap on it!"

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LEGAL TEAM IS FALLING APART

10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!"
9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?"
8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish
7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock handle this?"
6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers
5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs"
4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn
3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [video clip of Mujibur and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody]
2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!"
1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers

WINDOWS VIRUS

Q. Is Windows a virus?
A. No, Windows is not a virus.

Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Maybe Windows is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So there! Windows is NOT a virus.

CAR ACRONYMS

AUDI - Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
BUICK - Big, Ugly, Import Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
CHEVY - Charged HEaVilY
CHEVY - Cheapest Heap Envisioned Yet
CHEVY NOVAS: - (are designed by Toyota: Chevota or Toyolet?)
DATSUN - Disgraceful Auto That Stalls UNceasingly
DODGE - Driven Only During Grey Evenings
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drips Gas Everywhere
FIAT - Fails In Attempted Turns
FIAT - Fix It Again Tony
FIAT - Fine Italian Automotive Technology
FORD - Fought Off Recall Demands
FORD - Found On Road Dead
FORD LTD - Found on road dying, Left to die.
FORD - F___er Only Runs Downhill
FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily
FORD - First On Race Day
FORD - First On Rust Development
FORD - Fork Over Repair Dough
FORD - Founded On Reservation Dump
GEO - Good Engineering Overlooked
GMC - Get More Chicks
GMC - Garage Mechanic's Companion
JEEP - Junk Engineered Executed Poorly
LTD - Laughable Trash Dump
MAZDA - My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!
OLDS - Old Ladies Driving Slowly
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie
PINTO - Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
PLYMOUTH - Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap
PONTIAC - Penniless Old Nicaraguan Thinks It's a Cadillac
PONTIAC - Poor Old Nick Thinks It's A Cadillac
PONTIAC - Pours Out Noxious Toxins In American Cities
PORSCHE - Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything
SAAB - Sad Attempt At Beauty
SAAB - Sorry Auto, Always Broken
SUBARU - Screwed up beyond all repair usually.
TRIUMPH - This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
TRIUMPH - Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
TRIUMPH - The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
TOYOTA - Toyauto
TOYOTA - Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple A

AT&T

It is a parody of a recent AT&T commercial that asks "Have you ever read a book from around the world?" and responds "You will, and the company that will bring it to you is AT&T."

Have you ever received an automated sales pitch while you were still in your pajamas?
Have you ever had thousands of calls all over the world charged to your stolen account number?
Have you ever had your paycheck deleted by faceless intruders from across the globe?
Have you ever had an employer know more about your whereabouts and activities than your spouse?
Have you ever been snuffed to dust by a satellite laser while lying on the beach?

You Will... And the company that will bring it to you is AT&T

BUMPER STICKERS

Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway:

Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.
The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.
Intel - still number 0.999873464508
"Bother," said Pooh, as he found a politician in his honey.
Sorry about the crayon. They won't let me have sharp objects.
Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up environmentalists.
I have a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.
Things you never hear people say; "Hand me that piano."
"Bother," said Pooh, as he called in an air strike.
It's a SMALL war, can I have it?
Ambidextrous: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand.
Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.
1024x768x256.... sounds like one mean woman.
If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt!
Then Q met Lorena - after which he was known as O.
This starship breaks for black holes and temporal disunities.
People like that are the reason we have middle fingers.
I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco.
Hi. I'm the tagline your mother warned you about.
The proverbial proprietor provides practical proverbs.
If it's not violent, what fun is it?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
In DoubleSpace, no one can hear your data scream.
A single fact can ruin a good argument.
Please, no deja vu; I don't want to go through that again.
Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.
Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!
Please reply if you don't get this message.
This product sadistically tested on gerbils.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
"Bummer," said Pooh when Tigger dropped the joint in the honey jar.
The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Next from Intel: the Repentium.
I did NOT escape.... they gave me a day pass.
I plan to be a late bloomer - it's the only chance I've got.
"Why Johnny Can't Read" - Now available on VHS tape.
If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles.
G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns.
Cat bathing is a martial art.
I'm not so much human as cat furniture.
Morals for sale, never used. Contact Bill Clinton.
Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.
I always wanted to be something, I wish I'd been more specific.
(c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Sorry, my mind was on edible underwear today.
Mars needs women - no experience necessary!
"Bother," said Pooh as he strafed the lifeboats.
Yes, but you're taking the universe out of context.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
You're about as subtle as an axe between the eyes.
Circular definition: see definition, circular.
I agreed to suspend disbelief, not hang it until it died!

THE 30 BBS COMMANDMENTS

Some very intelligent SysOp gave some great thought to how a BBS should be operated and came up with these 30 BBS Commandments.

Thou shalt love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
Thou shalt remember thy name and thy password.
Thou shalt speaketh to the SysOp thy real name.
Thou shalt not POST IN ALL CAPS!
Thou shalt Honor thy SysOp.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor thy neighbor's real name, computer, software, nor any other thing of thy neighbor's.
Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning, lest thee be deemed a fop.
Thou shalt use the English language properly so that thee may be deemed wise.
Thou shalt spell thy words correctly. Amen.
Thou shalt delete thine own mail.
Thou shalt delete thine ancient mail.
Thou shalt help other users so that thee may be deemed a friend.
Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself lest thee be forever banished.
Thou shalt not occupy thy BBS with thine arguments, for Verily, I say unto thee that thou shalt maketh thyself the charlatan.
Woe be unto the user who attempteth to crash thy BBS, for such shall be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 mega-days and 40 mega-nights of penance in voice-only communications.
Thou shalt first dial BBS number during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
Thou shalt not post other user's real names.
Thou shalt not post messages after imbibing excessively of ale.
Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; yea, and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgresseth upon these commandments.
If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill liquid into thy keyboard and shorteth out thy central processing unit.
Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to thy BBS, for Verily it is Written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus be denied forever and ever.
Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with thy SysOp's wishes.
Thou shalt observeth BBS time limits.
Thou shalt not upload "worm" or "trojan" or "virus-ed" programs. Amen and Amen, for to do so wilt bringeth foul curses upon thee and thine, thy children, and thy children's children yea unto the 7th generation. So shalt it be.
Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that art already fully explained in BBS bulletins and instructions.
Thou shalt not exchangeth commercial software thru thy BBS.
Thou shalt not violate any applicable state/federal/local laws and regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thee will face the wrath of thy judicial system.
Thou shalt not hack.

ACCORDIAN JOKES

How do you protect a valuable instrument?
Hide it in an accordion case.

What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
Their personalities.

What is the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A chainsaw can be tuned.

What is the definition of an oboe?
Kindling for an accordian fire.

NEWS HEADLINES

These came from the columnist Bill Mandel of the San Francisco Examiner. They are his collection of favorite headlines of 1992.

The 1982 National Father's Day Association's Father of the Year went to jail for failing to pay child support.
Joseph Hazelwood, captain of the ill-fated oil tanker Exxon Valdez, was hired by New York Maritime College to teach students how to stand watch on a tanker's bridge.
New York City authorities wired more than 200 bushes in a public park with burglar alarms.
A young couple trading oral sex on a British train continued their frolic when a family entered the compartment and sat down. Then the amorous pair performed "full sexual intercourse" in front of passengers who boarded latter. It wasn't until the lovers lit up post-coital cigarettes that witnesses admonished them and rang for the conductor.
Scientists found that watching television sitting up burns 15 percent fewer calories than simply lying in bed.
A color-bar test pattern on a Los Angeles television drew higher ratings than two competing stations' 10 p.m. newscasts.
A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window.
Sonoma County viewers who'd paid $30 to see a Madison Square Garden tribute to Bob Dylan on cable TV had their Dylanfest interrupted by 90 minutes of soft-core porn. Only one complained.
A San Francisco man dressed as Mickey Mouse on Halloween was beaten on the street by a man who threatened to kill the would-be rodent "if I catch you dressed up like Mickey again." [who said Californian's were strange?]
A government worker in the Philippines who is a hermaphrodite (both male and female sex organs), became pregnant but was denied maternity leave because he's legally a man.
Man of God and serious Republican presidential aspirant Pat Robertson said the Equal Rights Amendment "encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
Speaking of the federal deficit, U.S. Senator Dennis DeConcini said: "We're going to wrassle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is out of control." [yes, that is the actual spelling]
San Francisco police served a jaywalking ticket on a comatose man hospitalized in an intensive care unit. An investigation revealed the man, not the motorist who hit him, was at fault in the accident.
One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state.
A woman in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for putting her garbage cans out too early.
A lawyer defended himself against charges of microwaving his ex-girlfriend's kitten by saying he'd put the cat in the oven to keep it out of his way.
A Los Angeles man on trial for harassing ice skater Katarina Witt demanded a jury of nymphomaniacs, atheists and agnostics to compose "a jury of his peers."
A Pennsylvania judge resigned after promising leniency to a defendant if he could shampoo the man's hair.
A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire.
An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was not calling enough fouls against the visiting team.
Mississippi State football coach Jackie Sherrill defended the castration of a bull in front of his football team (which was about to play the Texas Longhorns) as "motivational and educational."
A Chicago high school teacher punished truants by making them listen to Frank Sinatra records.
The CIA classified as "secret" the report of its Openness Task Force.
Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several cars taken in for brake repair came out with no brakes at all.

CONFUCIOUS SAY

America good place to put chinese restaurant.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who is jacking off into a peanut butter jar is f__king nuts.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have sh_tty time.
Man who go to bed with a problem in hand wakes up in the morning with a solution in hand.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Man who have woman on ground have piece on earth.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
Man born in backseat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Confucious say it take square ass to s**t a brick.
Rape is impossible. Lady run much faster with dress up than man with pants down!
He who sniffs Coke, drowns.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
To make egg roll, push it.
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...
He who fart in church sit in own pew.
He who fucks dynamite gets big bang out of it.
She who rides bike peddles ass all over town.
He who lose key to girlfriends apartment get no new key.
Man who pick nose - head cave in.
Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off.
Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his father.
Woman who put chicken and peas in soup, very unhygienic.
Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
Man who piss into strong wind gets wet.
Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks.
Hamsters which crawl into the wrong orifice get shit-faced.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.
All men eat, but Fu Manchu.
Secretary not part of furniture until screwed on desk.
Man who put cream in tart, not really a baker...
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
He who let woman on top is f***ing up.
People who make Confucious joke speak bad English.
Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house.
Confucious say: I didn't say that!!!
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky.

WHAT THEY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY...

I'll call you later.
(I don't want to speak to you again)

We can still always be friends.
(I want to use you later on but on my terms)

You look fine.
(I've seen nuclear waste dumps that look better)

We'll only be there a little while.
(A little while in geological terms)

First in owner loyalty.
(We have the most people who want to sacrifice our cars)

Rock bottom prices.
(Yes, the prices put your checkbook between a rock and a hard place)

Once in a lifetime offer.
(If you only live for a day)

Limited edition only.
(Offered for less than two years)

She's a very nice girl.
(Unless you happen to be a guy)

I really care for the people.
(As long as they bribe me right)

Critics raved about this movie.
(Yes, they raved about how horrible it was)

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
A 12-Pack of Bud
11 Rasslin' Tickets
A Tin of Copenhagen
9 Years Probation
8 Table Dancers
7 Packs of Redman
6 Cans of Spam
5 Flannel shirts
4 Mud grip tires
3 Shotgun shells
2 Huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN...

Your fiancee tells you she "goes both ways"...
Your dog is wearing your slippers and pipe...
You come into work, and find the company's gone bankrupt...
The only date you can find is your sister...
Flowers wilt in your presence...
You whistle at a pretty girl, and she arrests you for sexual harassment...
A small raincloud hovers over your head...
You wake up and find your furniture missing...
You look in the mirror, and it cracks...
A tall man in a black cape and holding a sickle follows you around all day...

UNDOCUMENTED ASSEMBLY CODES

        BAH       Branch And Hang 
        BBBF      Branch on Bit Bucket Full 
        BBT       Branch on Binary Tree 
        BBW       Branch Both Ways 
        BCF       Branch on Chip box Full 
        BEW       Branch Either Way 
        BMR       Branch Multiple Registers 
        BOB       Branch On Bug 
        BOD       Beat On Drum 
        BOHP      Bribe Operator for Higher Priority 
        BOI       Byte Operator Immediately 
        BPDI      Be Polite, Don't Interrupt 
        BPM       Branch on the Phase of the Moon 
        BPO       Branch on Power Off 
        BSST      BackSpace and Stretch Tape 
        CEMU      Close eyes and monkey with user space 
        CLBR      Clobber register 
        CLBRI     Clobber register immediately 
        CM        Circulate memory 
        CPAR      Crumple paper and rip 
        CRB       Crash and burn 
        CRE       Create Random Error 
        CRR       Convert to Roman Numerals 
        CU        Convert to Unary 
        CUN       Cancel all User Numbers 
        CZZC      Convert zone to ZIP code 
        DC        Divide and conquer 
        DMPK      Destroy memory protect key 
        DMV       Double mains voltage 
        DNPG      Do not pass go 
        DO        Divide and overflow 
        DWIMNWIS  Do what I mean, not what I say 
        EIOC      Execute invalid opcode 
        EIS       Encrypt Instruction Set 
        EMCP      Eject math co-processor 
        EMPC      Emulate pocket calculator 
        EMW       Emulate Maytag Washer 
        EPI       Execute programmer immediately 
        ERD       Eject Removable Disk 
        EROS      Erase read-only storage 
        EXOI      Execute Operator Immediately 
        EXOP      Execute Operator 
        EXPP      Execute Political Prisoner 
        FSRA      Forms skip and run away 
        GFD       Go forth and divide 
        GFM       Go forth and multiply 
        HCF       Halt and Catch Fire
        IA        Illogical And 
        IBP       Insert bug and proceed 
        IIB       Ignore inquiry and branch 
        JDO       Jump and Destroy Operator 
        KCE       Kill Consultant on Error 
        LCC       Load and Clear Core 
        MBF       Multiply and Be Fruitful 
        MST       Mount Scotch Tape 
        MVAR      Move to Random Address 
        MVLR      Move and Lose Record 
        OHS       Order Ham Sandwich 
        PBC       Print and break chain 
        PD        Play dead 
        PDM       Play Drum Memory (dated, wot?) 
        PDSK      Punch disk 
        PI        Punch invalid 
        PLSC      Perform Light Show on Console 
        PM        Punch Memory 
        POPI      Punch operator immediately 
        PPS       Push or Pop Stack (6502 does this) 
        PS        Print and Smear 
        PS*       Punch obscenity 
        PSD       Pause and smoke dope 
        PVLC      Punch variable length card 
        RBT       Rewind and Break Tape 
        RCSD      Read Card and Scramble Deck 
        RD        Reverse directions 
        RDS       Read sideways 
        RFSC      Read Feed and Shred Card 
        RIRG      Read inter-record gap 
        RPB       Read Print and Blush 
        RPM       Read programmer's mind 
        RSC       Read and shred card 
        RSD       On read error self destruct 
        RSD       Read and Shuffle Deck 
        RSTOM     Read from store-only memory 
        RWCR      Rewind card reader 
        RWM       Rewind Memory 
        RWRT      Read While Ripping Tape 
        SD        Scatter Deck 
        SHAB      Shift a bit 
        SHLBM     Shift a little bit more 
        SMR       Skip on meaningless result 
        SOT       Sit on a tack 
        SPD       SPin dry Disk 
        SPOFF     Switch processor off 
        SPON      Switch processor on 
        SQPC      Sit quietly and play with your crayons 
        SQSW      Scramble program status word 
        SRSD      Seek record and scar disk 
        SRZ       Subtract and reset to Zero 
        SSD       Seek and Scar Disk 
        SSJ       Select stacker and jam 
        STROM     Store in read-only memory 
        TDB       Transfer and drop bits 
        TSE       Test and Swap if Equal 
        TSTT      Test a Bit for Two 
        UER       Update and Erase Record 
        UMH       Use Mains Voltage as Logic High 
        WBT       Water binary tree 
        WEMG      Write eighteen-minute gap 
        WPM       Write programmer's mind 
        WRC       Write on Read-Cycle 
        XSP       Execute Systems Programmer

CHRISTMAS IS BETTER

The Top Ten Reasons Christmas is better in Russia than in the USA.

10. Radio Moscow doesn't have that barking dog record.
9. Yule twig is easier to light than a Yule log.
8. Toilet paper makes a great stocking stuffer.
7. Russian winter keeps relatives from visiting.
6. Finding lump of coal in stocking not all that bad.
5. Easy to find parking space at mall (tough part is finding mall)
4. Eggnog has less egg and more nog.
3. One-Yak-open-sleigh is much more fun than one-horse-open-sleigh.
2. 12 hour workday discourages people from making homemade gifts.
1. No chance at all of seeing "It's a Very Brady Christmas".

POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS

Far East - Asia
Censorship - Selective Speech
B.C. - B.C.E.
Older Students - Non-Traditional New-Traditional
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Cheating - Academic Dishonesty
Library - Educational Resource Center
Used Books - Recycled Books
Dorm - Residence Hall
Berkeley - Mecca
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken - Family Disfunction
Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Putting... Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery
Insult - Emotional Rape
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang - Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
China - Porcelain
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Charnel House

CLEAN JOKE

OWATONNA, Minn (AP) {found in a neswpaper from Buffalo, NY}

Roy Colette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.

Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.

The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.

Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a 1974 Gremlin with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

TV AXIOMS

There may be an occasional exception, but these are almost always true.

If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
Crazy people are always dangerous.
Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
Good guys are always outnumbered.
Good guys always win and get the girl.
Ugly people are always bad guys.
Good guys are always good looking.
Sex, murder, and mayhem is a way of life.
Good guys are the only ones that have a sense of humor.
Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.
The head bad guy is always smart. The guys working for him are always stupid.
Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
Bathrooms are only made for sex, murder, and drugs.
Haunted houses are never locked.
Women will faint at crucial times.
Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.
All Chinese people know Karate.
Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
Rich people are either unhappy or private detectives.
Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
Indians make good fodder.
Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
Computers never crash.
When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
No one farts, except after eating beans.
Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 people.
Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but will leave before finding out if it works.
Christmas Eve and Halloween night lasts for three or four days.
Movies based on true stories are always made up.
Police never wait for back-up.
Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
Private detective work is glamorous. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
All police killings are in self defense.
Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
Good guys don't take drugs.
Nobody on TV has time to watch TV.
Aren't you glad TV isn't true?

LICENSE PLATE FRAMES

(upside down): If you can read this ... Flip me back over
Get In, Sit Down, Hold On, Shut Up
Unless you're hemorrhoids, get off my ass!
I brake for tailgaters
If Clinton is the answer, It must have been a stupid question
P.S. If you want to get rid of cascades, mail a copy of each poster's posting back to the original and current poster. After a while they'll get the message.
96.37% of all statistics are made up.

A MOTHER'S LETTER

Here's a little something you all might enjoy. I believe this is an actual letter a mother had written to her son.

Dear Son:

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we moved. This place has a washin machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

It's only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send, your Aunt Sue said was to heavy to mail with all those big buttons on it so we cut them off and they're in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Granma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whiskey vat yesterday -- some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.

Love,
Your Mama

P.S. Was gonna send you some money but already had this sealed up.

CARPER'S INDEX

This was in a recent issue of The New Republic. I thought everybody might enjoy it.

Sales of Tupperware last year in Lima, Ohio: $890,000
Sales in Lima, Peru: $21.50
Percentage of Americans who think a bagel is a kind of dog: 3
Average amount of wood an American Woodchuck can chuck, in cubic feet: 11
Amount a Canadian woodchuck can chuck: 9
Percentage of articles in an average issue of Harper's that have previously appeared elsewhere: 65
In reader's Digest: 55
Number of lentils in a bag of dried lentils, on average: 4,832
Number of calls received by the White House after Bush's defeat: 233
After the Gettysburg Address: 0
Change, since the election, in percentage of illegal aliens who say they suffer from headaches: -5
Number of topless doughnut shops now operating in Broward County, Florida: 1
Price of a glazed doughnut in Moscow, in rubles: 14,000
Percentage of rats that developed leukemia after hearing a tape of Pat Buchanan's republican convention speech: 19
After being read "Pat the Bunny": 2
Percentage of residents of Tupelo, MS who do not have air conditioners but say they wish they did: 32
Percentage of residents of Tupelo, MS who have air conditioners but say they wish they didn't: 6
Date in November that is the birth of Jerry Lewis: 14
Chances that a dapple-leafed maple in the state of Washington will live past the age of 8: 1 in 450
Increase, since 1973, in the number of Americans who cannot correctly identify the day, month, or year: +11
Percentage change in the number of Taiwanese businessmen with advanced degrees, 1980-86: +3.4%
Percentage of readers who find that fact vaguely interesting: .07%
Number of letters in George Stephanopoulos's last name: 14
Chances that an ostrich has an eating disorder: 1 in 11
Number of gunshots fired in the film Terminator 2: 3,258
In The Rescuers: 11
On an average night in the Bronx's 11th Precinct: 98
Average number of hours of TV watched by an American fourth-grader, daily: 11.
By a Saudi teenager: .005
Average life expectancy of an asbestos miner, in years: 57
Current age of Ronald Reagan: 81
Year the air quality index in Ventura County is expected to reach current levels in Nome, Alaska: 2036
Year President Nixon resigned: 1974
Average annual government expenditure on embossing invitations for State Dept. Dinners: $400,000
Average annual governement expenditure on polio vaccines for minority children: $380,000
Percentage of statistics on this page that are numbingly obvious: 61
Percentage that are naggingly polemical: 39
Percentage of Americans who think that public television should be abolished: 90
Percentage who have sexual fantasies about David Gergen: 6
Number of people in Louisiana who voted for David Duke last year: 542,344
Percentage who read Harper's: 0
Number of times a year Susan Sontag says she cooks dinner at home: 2
What she cooks: pasta
Percentage increase in contempt of Harper's editors for most Americans, per day: +17%
Chances that you are still reading this: 1 in 850,000

Figures cited are completely made up, as of November 1992. Carper's Index is not a registered trademark. Feel free to reprint this in Harper's magazine next month.

BOOT CAMP

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you *@$&*s$% to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$&*s!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

TAGLINES

What do you mean? You actually read this tagline?!?

CLINTON = Congressional Leader Inhales Next Toke: Occuring November.

What time is it when you see a Geo following a Geo? Tin after tin.

Reality-ometer: [\........] Hmmph! Thought so...

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

"We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

NY cops go bar-hopping, LA cops go night-clubbing.

Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

We're off to see the Gizzard. The wonderful Gizzard of ID.

Two blonds in a Volkswagon: farfromthinkin.

!enif tsuj si gnihtyrevE

Bad Advertising: Rush Limbaugh Home Fitness Center.

"... The prostitution rests." -- Kelly Bundy.

RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory

ROM = Really Old Machine

IBM = In a Big Mess

IBM = Imbecile Behind Macintosh

8080 - gud spel cekkir

NEXT - Next what?

Typing -adj., the art of turning on bathroom light to see the keyboard

Multitasking - Reading in the bathroom.

Documentation - The worst part of programming.

"DEL*.*" - Best file compressor around, 100% compression.

System halted - Press all keys at once to continue.

ERROR, no keyboard - Press F1 to continue.

COBOL - Programmers understand why women hate periods.

MODEM - Deterrent to receiving wanted & unwanted calls.

DOS bugs - They just keep on going, and going, and going.

Coming soon - Netware for Nintendo

Keyboard -n., device for entering errors into system.

Syntax Errors - The only way to keep a programmer busy.

Structured Programming - go with the flow.

Dosshell? Of course DOS is hell!

AMI BIOS? No you are @N@.

486DX4 100Mhz. Do you smell something burning?

Not ready reading drive A: Abort, Retry, Influence with large hammer

Computer lovers' most hated words, "Get your floppy out of my slot!"

Double your Hard Drive Space: DELETE WINDOWS!

To kill a bad sector UNIX it.

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere!

This tagline is SHAREWARE! To register, send me $10

A feature is a bug with seniority.

Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch!

He who dies with the most taglines wins!

Press (ALT-A) to adopt me! I need a better home.

General failure reading drive A: Please remove your fist.

New computer? But I like my vacuum tubes... They keep me warm.

You can multi-task on C64's... Keep a multitude of them.

Error finding COLD BEER. Sysop not loaded.

Windows pratical joke: Write a program that works.

Buy a Pentium so you can reboot faster!

On this BBS, we recycle all our bytes, bit by bit.

Press ESC to enter or ENTER to escape...

My modem isn't slow. It's "baudly" challenged.

My hard disk went on a diet & lost its FAT.

Windows is not a virus. Viruses do something

Classified tagline. Please enter password:_

I *love~my@&*$ computer,&*&( It's ��made in Tai��wan !?

Your E-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

This tagline brought to you by Windows: Creator of the biggest virus

5 1/4" and 8" diskettes- good frisbees.

Make friends with sysops: page at 3 a.m.

File not found... Delete user instead? (Y/y)

Have you crashed your Windows today?

Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.

Since GOD spelled backwards is DOG, is my poodle Satan?

I miss my wife - but my aim is getting better.

Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken....

///\oo/\\\ Bugs?///\oo/\\\ ///\oo/\\\ What bugs?///\**/\\\///\oo/\\\

Paula Jones to Bill Clinton-"No thanks, I choke on small bones!"

How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police?

Turn your 486 into a gameboy, type OS2 at the C:\ prompt.

Origin of life? Just check my refrigerator...

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I gess hukd on fonix wurkd for yoo too.

I'm sorry, officer-I didn't know these freeways had no-smoking lanes.

Thunderclap - an extremely violent form of VD.

How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!

No honey, I can't eat with the family. My computer gets lonely!

Error 3032 - Recursion error. See error 3032.

Ouch! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!

Ohio: Where men are men and the sheep are..... SCARED!

Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is permanent.

I'm not a complete idiot... Several parts are missing!

I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Thinking is a bad habit, be a turnip!

RAM DISK is NOT an installation procedure!

"Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all you monks think about?"

Why can't women leave the lid up?

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination?

In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

Liberal tagline: friends don't let friends make up their own mind.

Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month.

Preserve wildlife... pickle a squirrel.

I want to live with a synonym girl.

Wheaties and beer: the breakfast of ex-champions.

Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington, D.C.

If sanity were dollars I'd be bankrupt.

May your Gakh never wonder off your plate.

McBorg's -- over half a billion assimilated.

I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... ooooohh, doughnuts!

They say give your money to God, but they give you THEIR address.

Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down!

He's dead? I thought he was imitating Al Gore.

Dawn crept across the lawn, searching for her car keys.

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

Support mental health, or I'll kill you!

Help stamp out intolerance!

I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it.

Save the chocolate moose!

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

I brake for brick walls.

Fight organized crime, stamp out the IRS!

Eschew obfuscation

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!

Honest, officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here.

I hate taglines.

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.

Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?

My life is not organized around high probability events.

We will, we will, pun you!

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.

I may not be right, but I'm never wrong!

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.

This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.

Managing programmers is like herding cats.

I'm positively enameled with this subject.

Minding your own business will not be tolerated.

Rabbits reproduce like taglines.

Zen Druidry: transcendental vegetation.

"Dr. Scott!" "Janet!" "Brad!" "Rocky!" "YO ADRIAN!"

Hi, my name is John, and I'm a closet lurker.

From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*

MicroSoft, makers of the best viruses since 1985.

Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!

Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser.

The seabird hater left no tern unstoned.

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

I think, therefore I am... dangerous.

Nice computers don't go down.

If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday.

People have one thing in common, they're all different.

Geometry: what the acorn said after it grew up.

Cogito, ergo Hormel - I think, therefore I Spam.

I'm having an out-of-money experience.

Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer.

The only wormhole I've seen went through an apple.

I'm not short and heavy, I'm just traveling near the speed of light.

Borg? Where? I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER

ASSORTED SHORT JOKES

My wife told me of a book about finding the G spot. I went to a bookstore. I couldn't even find the book... My wife bought it for me. There were no pictures, maps, or diagrams. It just said it was about two-thirds of the way in. Great. Compared to who?

People want to take sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity If you have the knowledge, you use it. Hey, I took algebra. I never do math.

My father said, "Mike, if you masturbate you'll go blind." I said, "Dad--I'm over here."

Once the teacher told the kids to prepare an essay on the theme "There is only one mother. The children prepared themselves very well, and every kid told a beautiful story of love, family and parents. When it came Johnny's turn, he spoke: "One day I got back from school, and saw nobody inside. Then I poked in the parents' bedroom and I saw our neighbor lying on my mother. My mother saw me and told: 'Johnny, go to the kitchen and bring us two bottles of vodka from the refrigerator.' So I went to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and I shouted: 'There is only one, mother!'"

The horse and mule live 30 years
And know nothing of wines and beers
The goat and sheep at 20 die
and never taste of scotch and rye
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done
The dog at 15 cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in 12 short years it croaks
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs and dies at 10
All animals are strictly dry
They sinless live and swiftly die
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score and ten
And some of us the mighty few
Stay pickled til we're 92

Now on sale, in Aisle 5 of the Divine Supermarket---Lives, and Clues. Buy yours now and avoid the rush! They make great Christmas gifts!

Cynicism is only realism projected into the future.

If your fondest wish is to fly, don't draw up plans for flippers.

Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to take a sunbath there every day. Since there were no higher hotels near it, she would take off her bathing suit and be in the nude. So she was in the nude and she was lying on her stomach, and she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her. The man said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here." She said, "You never protested before." He said, "No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit." She said, "Why do you care? No one can see." He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of a dining room."

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?" And the guy says, "Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made. You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes." And his friend says, "That's great. Where did you get it?" And the guy says, "I found it."

Disclaimer

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You might be a college student if...

...you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
...you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
...you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
...you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
...you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
...you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
...your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups.
...your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
...you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
...you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
...you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
...the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
...you go to the local shopping center at 1:00 a.m., walk around for an hour, and not buy anything.

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

Top 10 reasons compilers must be female:

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Small-talk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.

A Daughter's Letter

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remise in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches one a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck.

Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no schwartze in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, ...and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Needsay Moore

Warning: New Viruses

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer. ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin