VanBooven.com

"Be good and you will be lonesome." - Mark Twain

51 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE

At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so long in the bathroom?!"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out."
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say "Boy, did you get ripped off!"
Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

BAR JOKE

This small skinny dude walks up to the bar and starts to sit on a bar stool, and a big dude on the next stool says, "That seats taken!" The little dude sits down anyway. The big dude grabs him and whacks him several times with the back of his hand and tells the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was Judo from Japan." Next day the little dude returns, before the big dude gets a chance to hit him, he hits the big dude several times and the big dude falls to the floor. The little dude tells the bartender, "Tell that sucker when he wakes up, that was a Monkey Wrench from Sears."

BARNEY SONG

Sang to the Barney song:

I love you, you love me
I'm as queer as I can be
With a little tax here and little tax there
I wear Clinton's underwear

CLINTON JOKE

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of dicks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

...you have ever used lard in bed.
...you own more than 3 shirts with cut-off sleeves.
...you have ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
...you consider a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
...your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
...someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
...your mother does not remove the Marlboro Light from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
...the primary color of your car is Bondo.
...directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
...your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
...you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
...you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
...Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
...your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
...you see no need to stop at a rest stop because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
...you have a rag for a gas cap.
...the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
...you have a hefty bag where the passenger side window of your car should be.
...you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
...you've ever had to scratch your sister's name out of the message "For a good time call _______."
...your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
...Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
...you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at work.
...your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
...you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
...your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
...you prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
...your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
...your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
...you have ever started a petition to have the national anthem changed to "Free Bird."
...you call the boss "dude."
...you think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
...you consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
...you have ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
...you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
...your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
...you get an estimate from the barber before he cuts your hair.
...after making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
...anyone in your family has ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
...your family tree is a straight line.
...you own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
...you've ever worn a cowboy hat to church.
...you have a picture of Willie Nelson or Johnny Cash over the fireplace.
...you still have an 8-track tape player in your car.
...you have sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside.
...your idea of safe sex is a padded headboard.
...you think BMW are the call letters for a radio station.
...you own a belt buckle that weighs more than 3 pounds.
...you've ever been to a funeral where there were more pickup trucks than cars.
...your all-time favorite movie is Cannonball Run.
...you have any relatives named Elmer or Jed.
...you have a family reunion by watching America's Most Wanted.
...they have to notify next of kin by visiting the state pen.

KITTY LITTER

When I was a kid I adopted a stray cat. I couldn't afford Kitty Litter so I filled a cardboard box with dirt and kept it on the screened porch at the back of the house. We had mostly dirt in our back yard and the whole world is made out of dirt but that stubborn cat would scratch and meow at the screen door so it could get inside to use the box of dirt. We went on vacation for two weeks, took the cat, but forgot to take the box of dirt. When we got back, the cat looked like a football and could hardly walk. I don't know how to describe what happened when it got to the box of dirt. Have you ever blown up a balloon and have it slip out of your fingers before you could tie a knot in the neck?

ARKANSAS RESIDENCY APPLICATION

        STATE OF ARKANSAS
        Residency Application 
        
        Name: ________________
        (last)(_) Billy-Bob	
              (_) Billy-Joe	
              (_) Billy-Ray	
              (_) Billy-Sue	
              (_) Billy-Mae	
              (_) Billy-Jack	
              (Check appropriate box)	
        
        Age: ____
        
        Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
        
        Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right 
        
        Occupation: (_) Farmer	
                    (_) Mechanic	
                    (_) Hair Dresser	
                    (_) Un-employed	
        
        Spouse's Name: __________________________
        
        Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister
                                  (_) Brother
                                  (_) Aunt
                                  (_) Uncle
                                  (_) Cousin
                                  (_) Mother
                                  (_) Father
                                  (_) Son
                                  (_) Daughter
                                  (_) Pet
        
        Number of children living in household: ___
        Number that are yours: ___
        
        Mother's Name: _______________________
        
        Father's Name: _______________________
        (If not sure, leave blank)
        
        Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
        
        Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
        
        ___ Total number of vehicles you own
        ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
        ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
        ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
        ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
        
        Firearms you own and where you keep them:
        ____ truck
        ____ bedroom
        ____ bathroom
        ____ kitchen
        ____ shed 
        
        Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
        Does it have a gun rack?
        (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
        
        Newspapers/magazines    (_) The National Enquirer
        you subscribe to:       (_) The Globe
                                (_) TV Guide
                                (_) Soap Opera Digest
                                (_) Rifle and Shotgun
        
        ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
        ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
        ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
        
        How often do you bathe:  (_)Weekly
                                 (_)Monthly
                                 (_)Not Applicable
        
        Color of teeth:  (_)Yellow
                         (_)Brownish-Yellow
                         (_)Brown
                         (_)Black

BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #5

I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users e-mail. I must admit that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all of them. I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about some relative's surgery and how the weather is over on the other side of the world - that sort of crap.

To relieve the boredom, I remove an e-mail party invite from a user's mail and post it under the sender's username alt.singles.with.severe.social.dysfunctions on news, and make a note in my diary to be there with my camcorder. Should be a blast!

Next in line is the on-line medical records database, in which the company doctors store the current medical histories of the staff. I grep it quickly for "herpes" and "syphilis" and sell the results to the local scum newspaper. I cover my tracks by adding an entry to one of the doctor's on-line electronic diaries for yesterday saying "$500, Med Recs To Paper" I think that's all it should take...

I move some tapes from the racks to the trolley to make it look like we really use them, then start looking through archie listings for a hidden x-gif site. I find one, then start a batch job running under some user's account to get them all back, charged to him. I make sure he's got enough disk space for the job by removing any files not related to the task at hand. Like all those "Doctorate Final Report" papers that have gotten quite large in the last couple of weeks.

I go back to the mail now, as something's bound to have happened. I do a grep on all mail files for the words "pregnant" and "family way", and post them anonymously to the local general interest newsgroup.

Then, before anything can happen, the power goes out! The next second, the phone rings.

"Hello?" I say, annoyed - the coyote was just about to kill Roadrunner again!

"Has the comput.."

I hang up. This is a matter of life or death. Quick as I can I rip the computer power cable out of the UPS and plug the TV in. Damn! Wylie missed again!

Meantime, all the alarms are going off like crazy as the disks spin down, but that's ok, because my Mac and Terminal are hardwired to the UPS in any case; and I'm at the Beer Factory level in Dark Castle, too.

The phone rings, so I pull the PABX breaker on the UPS switchboard and it stops. Now to look like I'm working. I break out the puck and the hockey stick and play a little one-on-wall. From the observation window it'll look like I'm being blindingly efficient, as per usual.

10 minutes later, the power is back and we're two HDA's down, but what the hell, I haven't lost a man, I'm onto the final screen, and there's more cartoons!

The phone rings, it's a loser. (What a surprise)

"Computer Room" I say, being efficient.

"Hello, when will the compu..."

I hang up.

I'm doing well in the screen, all I need do is get past the wizard who throws spells at you and I'm in!

The phone rings again. I put it on hands-free.

"Computer Room" I shout, still deep in the game.

"I've lost my files" a user whines over the loudspeaker.

"You bet you have" I say, as my concentration lapses just long enough for me to get zapped by the wizard.

"What was your username?" I say, all sweetness and smiles.

He tells me, I look, and he's right. Shit, and I didn't even do it!

Not to be outdone, I change his login directory to the null device, set his path to "." and redefine the command "news" to execute a script in his old login directory to send a nasty message to the equal opportunities officer, then delete itself.

Now that's trying!

BRAIN TEASERS

There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did sloppy die?
How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, dropping them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
Paul is 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. How is this possible?
What has four legs but only one foot?
How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
Kindly old Grandfather Lunn
Is twice as old as his son
Twenty-five years ago
Their age ratio
Strange enough was three to one
When does Grandfather celebrate his centenary?
Said a certain young lady named Gwen
Of her tally of smitten young men
"one less and three more
Divided by four
Together give one more than ten"
How many boyfriends had she?
There was a young fellow named Clive
Whose bees number ten power five
The daughters to each son
Were as nineteen to one,
A truly remarkable hive.
How many sons (drones) were in the hive?
A team's opening batter named Nero
Squared his number of hits, the big hero!
After subtracting his score
He took off ten and two more
And the final result was a "zero".
How many hits did Nero make:
Some freshman from Trinity Hall
Played hockey with a wonderful ball;
Two times its weight
Plus weight squared, minus eight,
Gave "nothing" in ounces at all.
What was the weight of the ball?
A farmer needs a chain fifteen links long and finds that he has available five pieces of chain of three links each. The blacksmith tells him that it will cost him twenty cents to cut a link and thirty cents to weld a previously cut link. Assuming that the blacksmith does the job in the cheapest way, what will it cost the farmer to have the five pieces joined into one continuous chain of fifteen links?
A sailboat at sea strikes a reef and puts a 9x16 inch hole in the hull. All you have is one board one foot square. How can you cut it into two pieces so they will exactly fit the hole?
The Bar Z ranch was a dude ranch. One day a new "dude" asked one of the stable hands how many men were tending the horses in the corral. Having a mischievous sense of humor, he replied, "I saw eighty-two feet and twenty-six heads". He then walked away, leaving the dude scratching his head trying to figure it out. How many men were tending the horses?
One morning as Paul was getting his newspaper, he noticed on his new house something that needed to be fixed. Heading over to the hardware store, he spoke to the manager, describing his problem. The manager said, "I know just what you need". He led Paul down some aisles and stopped in front of some bins. Digging down into some of the bins, he set something up on the shelf. "I saw your house when it was built", the manager said. "Here's all that you'll need and how much it'll cost... five will be 15 cents while fifty will be 30 cents, 250 will be 45 cents, while 2507 will only cost you 60 cents. One lady, about 20 blocks from your house, bought 30247 and only paid 75 cents! These are black, but they also come in gold and silver." What was the manager selling?
If it takes 3 people to dig a hole, how many does it take to dig half a hole?
What is the beginning of eternity. The end of time and space. The beginning of every end. And the end of every place?

See the Answers

KFC DEAL

Here's what you do, go to Kentucky Fried Chicken and ask for the Nancy Kerrigan deal: two small breasts and a battered leg.

DARK SUCKERS

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.

The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closed door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

GATESGATE

Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.

Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year. The currency, called simply "Money" (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US currency. When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apple's theft of the Windows look and feel, and Stac's pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two examples.

Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his grand vision of "Money always at my fingertips." Gates further stated that the move to 32-bit operating systems would make it difficult "for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts. This (acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and installing software," continued Gates.

Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major ISV's appeared at the press conference and announced support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition "the most earth shattering event in the history of the world, without question." Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news "since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show." Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would "all be using it soon." Jim Seymour stated that "the miraculous Money is now the standard for currency in the United States." Hillary Clinton was not available for comment.

GATESGATE II

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.

"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math, chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infra structure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait _three_ weeks," said Bill.

Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat.

"Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up." Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance.

"Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works." Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million ....

..... Macintoshes ....

..... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.

"What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then....

.... GO TO HELL!"

[Witness, if you will, the theme from "The Twilight Zone," gently playing in the background... of your mind; from no apparent speaker.] We once again enter... THE GATESGATE ZONE.

It may not be obvious to the non-technical, but the "numbers" are the ASCII value representations of the letters... now for the fun:

Welcome to Salem Massachusetts, circa the 20th century.

It seems well-known operating systems fall into the same category:

         M  S  -  D  O  S     6  .  2  1	
        77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
        
         W  I  N  D  O  W  S  9  5	
        87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
        
         S  Y  S  T  E  M     7  .  0	
        83+89+83+84+69+77+32+55+46+48 = 666

Coincidence? I think not!

The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.) By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII values and adding his (III), you get the following:

        B          66
        I          73
        L          76
        L          76
        G          71
        A          65
        T          84
        E          69
        S          83
        (the 3rd)   3
        -------------	
        =         666

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement??? YOU decide!

Goodbye for now... but join us again soon, in... THE GATESGATE ZONE

ADMINISTRATIUM

New Scientific Discovery Announced!!!

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element, tentatively "administratium", has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic mass of zero.

However, it does have one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "morons".

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the researchers, a minute amount administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when normally it would have occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of about three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. One study shows that the total atomic mass actually INCREASES after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. High concentrations can be found at large corporations, political campaign offices, major universities, and particularly around all government offices. Traces are found around the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings everywhere. The highest concentration found to date is in New York City, airborne in the vicinity of the United Nations building. Even so, Washington, D.C., is expected to contain the bulk of the nation's future supply of administratium.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be very toxic at ANY level of concentration, and can easily destroy a productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Research is underway to determine how it can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage. Results to date have not been promising.

Experiments are now being developed to release administratium in a chlorofluorocarbon (CFC) compound into the ozone hole, with the hopes of halting or reversing the process. Other nations are feared to be developing military applications.

NEWS BULLETIN

        ************* NEWS BULLETIN *************
        Source: API (New York) PC Tech University
        11/9/91 Prof. M. T. Code
        *****************************************

Scientists at PC Tech, in New York, have reported discovery of a new, and possibly dangerous life form. Threatening to take over normal communications channels, this strange organism has sent shock waves through established bastions of media exchange. Professor M. T. Code, the head of the Business Communications Department at prestigious PC Tech University, released this official description of what is known of this new species.

Name: Sysoptus puttaboarduptus (var. modemus)

A roughly humanoid organism, typically found in its native habitat: a somewhat disheveled room, dimly lit by a single cathode ray tube, littered with empty soda cans, twinkie wrappers, and endless stacks of magnetic film media, encased in black jackets. Physical characteristics include slightly bugged eyes (a side effect of staring at the tube), calloused fingers (from striking small plastic plungers situated in front of the tube apparatus), flattened teeth (from gnashing), and a deeply furrowed brow. Prolonged observations will reveal the subject constantly alternating between chuckling, and swearing, with fits of muttering occurring in between. Clothing varies, but usually will display a single five dollar bill stuffed into one pocket, accompanied by a wrinkled ledger sheet entitled, "Contributions to Date". Specimens have been observed to sleep on rare occasions, but seem to react wildly to a small series of beeps, emanating from the whining gray box that supports their light source. Phsycological analysis reveals an obsessive fixation on the box and tube, with long periods of inactivity followed by frantic pounding on the plastic plungers. Wild euphoria has been observed when the box and tube seem to spring into life all on their own, and deep depression, accompanied by physical pounding on the box and other objects in the room, when their finger gyrations do not seem to elicit the proper response from the box and tube. While no actual dangerous tendencies have been observed, the odd, semi-ritualistic pre-occupation with the tube and box, along with the complex stimulus/response mechanisms demonstrated, indicate that this is a creature that is best left alone and not disturbed. It should be noted that the box/creature relationship is such that attempts to turn off the mechanism result in immediate hostile reactions from the subject. Research continues, and Professor Code is convinced that there will be a breakthrough in communications with the creatures soon. To date, all attempts to contact the beings hav e resulted in endless requests for the "password" and "security level" of the questioner. All further attempts result in the same two word phrase being mumbled by Sysoptus, "NO CARRIER..,NO CARRIER". Language and encryption experts are attempting to decipher the meaning of this odd phrase, and Dr. Code expects progress in the near future. Further details will be released at that time.

Frank Lee Laust

API, New York

POEM

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one....
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key....
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
I tried to catch the chips off-guard....
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation....
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed an died,
"Oh no....my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data....Nevermore!"
To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity....well,
I fear it has gone straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell....
Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

POLACK JOKE

Did ya hear the one about the two Polacks driving to the east coast on the southern route? Seems as they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out, and started cleaning the restrooms! As they traveled the south they found it difficult to make any real progress as there were many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way. When they finally arrived in Alabama they came across a sign that read "Wanted, two Mexican males for rape", the two Polacks looked at each other and thought, Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!!!!

STATUES

Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other, in a park, for a hundred years.

An angel came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life to do what they had been wanting to do most. So the two statues came to life, looked at each other, and laughed a bit and said "shall we?" and "yes let's" and they slipped off behind some bushes and there was a lot of rustling.

After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes all hot and flustered and happy. The angel said they had only used half their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, Let's do it again, only this time we'll do it the other way around. I'll hold down the pigeon and you crap on it!"

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LEGAL TEAM IS FALLING APART

10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!"
9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?"
8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish
7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock handle this?"
6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers
5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs"
4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn
3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [video clip of Mujibur and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody]
2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!"
1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers

WINDOWS VIRUS

Q. Is Windows a virus?
A. No, Windows is not a virus.

Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Maybe Windows is a virus.
Nope! There is a difference!
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So there! Windows is NOT a virus.

CAR ACRONYMS

AUDI - Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
BUICK - Big, Ugly, Import Car Killer
CHEVROLET - Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
CHEVY - Charged HEaVilY
CHEVY - Cheapest Heap Envisioned Yet
CHEVY NOVAS: - (are designed by Toyota: Chevota or Toyolet?)
DATSUN - Disgraceful Auto That Stalls UNceasingly
DODGE - Driven Only During Grey Evenings
DODGE - Drips Oil, Drips Gas Everywhere
FIAT - Fails In Attempted Turns
FIAT - Fix It Again Tony
FIAT - Fine Italian Automotive Technology
FORD - Fought Off Recall Demands
FORD - Found On Road Dead
FORD LTD - Found on road dying, Left to die.
FORD - F___er Only Runs Downhill
FORD - Fix Or Repair Daily
FORD - First On Race Day
FORD - First On Rust Development
FORD - Fork Over Repair Dough
FORD - Founded On Reservation Dump
GEO - Good Engineering Overlooked
GMC - Get More Chicks
GMC - Garage Mechanic's Companion
JEEP - Junk Engineered Executed Poorly
LTD - Laughable Trash Dump
MAZDA - My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!
OLDS - Old Ladies Driving Slowly
OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie
PINTO - Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
PLYMOUTH - Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap
PONTIAC - Penniless Old Nicaraguan Thinks It's a Cadillac
PONTIAC - Poor Old Nick Thinks It's A Cadillac
PONTIAC - Pours Out Noxious Toxins In American Cities
PORSCHE - Proof Only Rich Suckers Can Have Everything
SAAB - Sad Attempt At Beauty
SAAB - Sorry Auto, Always Broken
SUBARU - Screwed up beyond all repair usually.
TRIUMPH - This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
TRIUMPH - Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
TRIUMPH - The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
TOYOTA - Toyauto
TOYOTA - Towed Often, Yearly Overrunning Triple A

AT&T

It is a parody of a recent AT&T commercial that asks "Have you ever read a book from around the world?" and responds "You will, and the company that will bring it to you is AT&T."

Have you ever received an automated sales pitch while you were still in your pajamas?
Have you ever had thousands of calls all over the world charged to your stolen account number?
Have you ever had your paycheck deleted by faceless intruders from across the globe?
Have you ever had an employer know more about your whereabouts and activities than your spouse?
Have you ever been snuffed to dust by a satellite laser while lying on the beach?

You Will... And the company that will bring it to you is AT&T

BUMPER STICKERS

Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway:

Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.
The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.
Intel - still number 0.999873464508
"Bother," said Pooh, as he found a politician in his honey.
Sorry about the crayon. They won't let me have sharp objects.
Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up environmentalists.
I have a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.
Things you never hear people say; "Hand me that piano."
"Bother," said Pooh, as he called in an air strike.
It's a SMALL war, can I have it?
Ambidextrous: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand.
Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.
1024x768x256.... sounds like one mean woman.
If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt!
Then Q met Lorena - after which he was known as O.
This starship breaks for black holes and temporal disunities.
People like that are the reason we have middle fingers.
I left my tart in Aunt Fran's Crisco.
Hi. I'm the tagline your mother warned you about.
The proverbial proprietor provides practical proverbs.
If it's not violent, what fun is it?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
In DoubleSpace, no one can hear your data scream.
A single fact can ruin a good argument.
Please, no deja vu; I don't want to go through that again.
Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.
Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!
Please reply if you don't get this message.
This product sadistically tested on gerbils.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
"Bummer," said Pooh when Tigger dropped the joint in the honey jar.
The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
Next from Intel: the Repentium.
I did NOT escape.... they gave me a day pass.
I plan to be a late bloomer - it's the only chance I've got.
"Why Johnny Can't Read" - Now available on VHS tape.
If not for politicians, we wouldn't NEED assault rifles.
G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns.
Cat bathing is a martial art.
I'm not so much human as cat furniture.
Morals for sale, never used. Contact Bill Clinton.
Democracy: 3 wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.
I always wanted to be something, I wish I'd been more specific.
(c) Copywight Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Sorry, my mind was on edible underwear today.
Mars needs women - no experience necessary!
"Bother," said Pooh as he strafed the lifeboats.
Yes, but you're taking the universe out of context.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
You're about as subtle as an axe between the eyes.
Circular definition: see definition, circular.
I agreed to suspend disbelief, not hang it until it died!

THE 30 BBS COMMANDMENTS

Some very intelligent SysOp gave some great thought to how a BBS should be operated and came up with these 30 BBS Commandments.

Thou shalt love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes.
Thou shalt remember thy name and thy password.
Thou shalt speaketh to the SysOp thy real name.
Thou shalt not POST IN ALL CAPS!
Thou shalt Honor thy SysOp.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor thy neighbor's real name, computer, software, nor any other thing of thy neighbor's.
Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day.
Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning, lest thee be deemed a fop.
Thou shalt use the English language properly so that thee may be deemed wise.
Thou shalt spell thy words correctly. Amen.
Thou shalt delete thine own mail.
Thou shalt delete thine ancient mail.
Thou shalt help other users so that thee may be deemed a friend.
Thou shalt not post anonymously when offering criticism.
Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself lest thee be forever banished.
Thou shalt not occupy thy BBS with thine arguments, for Verily, I say unto thee that thou shalt maketh thyself the charlatan.
Woe be unto the user who attempteth to crash thy BBS, for such shall be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 mega-days and 40 mega-nights of penance in voice-only communications.
Thou shalt first dial BBS number during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers.
Thou shalt not post other user's real names.
Thou shalt not post messages after imbibing excessively of ale.
Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; yea, and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgresseth upon these commandments.
If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill liquid into thy keyboard and shorteth out thy central processing unit.
Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to thy BBS, for Verily it is Written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus be denied forever and ever.
Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with thy SysOp's wishes.
Thou shalt observeth BBS time limits.
Thou shalt not upload "worm" or "trojan" or "virus-ed" programs. Amen and Amen, for to do so wilt bringeth foul curses upon thee and thine, thy children, and thy children's children yea unto the 7th generation. So shalt it be.
Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that art already fully explained in BBS bulletins and instructions.
Thou shalt not exchangeth commercial software thru thy BBS.
Thou shalt not violate any applicable state/federal/local laws and regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thee will face the wrath of thy judicial system.
Thou shalt not hack.

ACCORDIAN JOKES

How do you protect a valuable instrument?
Hide it in an accordion case.

What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides.

What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
Their personalities.

What is the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion?
A chainsaw can be tuned.

What is the definition of an oboe?
Kindling for an accordian fire.

NEWS HEADLINES

These came from the columnist Bill Mandel of the San Francisco Examiner. They are his collection of favorite headlines of 1992.

The 1982 National Father's Day Association's Father of the Year went to jail for failing to pay child support.
Joseph Hazelwood, captain of the ill-fated oil tanker Exxon Valdez, was hired by New York Maritime College to teach students how to stand watch on a tanker's bridge.
New York City authorities wired more than 200 bushes in a public park with burglar alarms.
A young couple trading oral sex on a British train continued their frolic when a family entered the compartment and sat down. Then the amorous pair performed "full sexual intercourse" in front of passengers who boarded latter. It wasn't until the lovers lit up post-coital cigarettes that witnesses admonished them and rang for the conductor.
Scientists found that watching television sitting up burns 15 percent fewer calories than simply lying in bed.
A color-bar test pattern on a Los Angeles television drew higher ratings than two competing stations' 10 p.m. newscasts.
A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to board the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window.
Sonoma County viewers who'd paid $30 to see a Madison Square Garden tribute to Bob Dylan on cable TV had their Dylanfest interrupted by 90 minutes of soft-core porn. Only one complained.
A San Francisco man dressed as Mickey Mouse on Halloween was beaten on the street by a man who threatened to kill the would-be rodent "if I catch you dressed up like Mickey again." [who said Californian's were strange?]
A government worker in the Philippines who is a hermaphrodite (both male and female sex organs), became pregnant but was denied maternity leave because he's legally a man.
Man of God and serious Republican presidential aspirant Pat Robertson said the Equal Rights Amendment "encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
Speaking of the federal deficit, U.S. Senator Dennis DeConcini said: "We're going to wrassle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is out of control." [yes, that is the actual spelling]
San Francisco police served a jaywalking ticket on a comatose man hospitalized in an intensive care unit. An investigation revealed the man, not the motorist who hit him, was at fault in the accident.
One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million Lotto winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state.
A woman in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for putting her garbage cans out too early.
A lawyer defended himself against charges of microwaving his ex-girlfriend's kitten by saying he'd put the cat in the oven to keep it out of his way.
A Los Angeles man on trial for harassing ice skater Katarina Witt demanded a jury of nymphomaniacs, atheists and agnostics to compose "a jury of his peers."
A Pennsylvania judge resigned after promising leniency to a defendant if he could shampoo the man's hair.
A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire.
An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was not calling enough fouls against the visiting team.
Mississippi State football coach Jackie Sherrill defended the castration of a bull in front of his football team (which was about to play the Texas Longhorns) as "motivational and educational."
A Chicago high school teacher punished truants by making them listen to Frank Sinatra records.
The CIA classified as "secret" the report of its Openness Task Force.
Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several cars taken in for brake repair came out with no brakes at all.

CONFUCIOUS SAY

America good place to put chinese restaurant.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who is jacking off into a peanut butter jar is f__king nuts.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have sh_tty time.
Man who go to bed with a problem in hand wakes up in the morning with a solution in hand.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
He who pull out to fast leave rubber behind.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Man who have woman on ground have piece on earth.
Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup.
Man who go to bed with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.
Man born in backseat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Confucious say it take square ass to s**t a brick.
Rape is impossible. Lady run much faster with dress up than man with pants down!
He who sniffs Coke, drowns.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Lady who live in glass house, dress in basement!
To make egg roll, push it.
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy...
He who fart in church sit in own pew.
He who fucks dynamite gets big bang out of it.
She who rides bike peddles ass all over town.
He who lose key to girlfriends apartment get no new key.
Man who pick nose - head cave in.
Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off.
Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his father.
Woman who put chicken and peas in soup, very unhygienic.
Man who sink into woman's arms will soon find arms in woman's sink.
Man who piss into strong wind gets wet.
Bread that is cast upon water gets soggy and sinks.
Hamsters which crawl into the wrong orifice get shit-faced.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.
All men eat, but Fu Manchu.
Secretary not part of furniture until screwed on desk.
Man who put cream in tart, not really a baker...
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus.
He who let woman on top is f***ing up.
People who make Confucious joke speak bad English.
Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house.
Confucious say: I didn't say that!!!
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky.

WHAT THEY MEAN WHEN THEY SAY...

I'll call you later.
(I don't want to speak to you again)

We can still always be friends.
(I want to use you later on but on my terms)

You look fine.
(I've seen nuclear waste dumps that look better)

We'll only be there a little while.
(A little while in geological terms)

First in owner loyalty.
(We have the most people who want to sacrifice our cars)

Rock bottom prices.
(Yes, the prices put your checkbook between a rock and a hard place)

Once in a lifetime offer.
(If you only live for a day)

Limited edition only.
(Offered for less than two years)

She's a very nice girl.
(Unless you happen to be a guy)

I really care for the people.
(As long as they bribe me right)

Critics raved about this movie.
(Yes, they raved about how horrible it was)

MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
A 12-Pack of Bud
11 Rasslin' Tickets
A Tin of Copenhagen
9 Years Probation
8 Table Dancers
7 Packs of Redman
6 Cans of Spam
5 Flannel shirts
4 Mud grip tires
3 Shotgun shells
2 Huntin' dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY WHEN...

Your fiancee tells you she "goes both ways"...
Your dog is wearing your slippers and pipe...
You come into work, and find the company's gone bankrupt...
The only date you can find is your sister...
Flowers wilt in your presence...
You whistle at a pretty girl, and she arrests you for sexual harassment...
A small raincloud hovers over your head...
You wake up and find your furniture missing...
You look in the mirror, and it cracks...
A tall man in a black cape and holding a sickle follows you around all day...

UNDOCUMENTED ASSEMBLY CODES

        BAH       Branch And Hang 
        BBBF      Branch on Bit Bucket Full 
        BBT       Branch on Binary Tree 
        BBW       Branch Both Ways 
        BCF       Branch on Chip box Full 
        BEW       Branch Either Way 
        BMR       Branch Multiple Registers 
        BOB       Branch On Bug 
        BOD       Beat On Drum 
        BOHP      Bribe Operator for Higher Priority 
        BOI       Byte Operator Immediately 
        BPDI      Be Polite, Don't Interrupt 
        BPM       Branch on the Phase of the Moon 
        BPO       Branch on Power Off 
        BSST      BackSpace and Stretch Tape 
        CEMU      Close eyes and monkey with user space 
        CLBR      Clobber register 
        CLBRI     Clobber register immediately 
        CM        Circulate memory 
        CPAR      Crumple paper and rip 
        CRB       Crash and burn 
        CRE       Create Random Error 
        CRR       Convert to Roman Numerals 
        CU        Convert to Unary 
        CUN       Cancel all User Numbers 
        CZZC      Convert zone to ZIP code 
        DC        Divide and conquer 
        DMPK      Destroy memory protect key 
        DMV       Double mains voltage 
        DNPG      Do not pass go 
        DO        Divide and overflow 
        DWIMNWIS  Do what I mean, not what I say 
        EIOC      Execute invalid opcode 
        EIS       Encrypt Instruction Set 
        EMCP      Eject math co-processor 
        EMPC      Emulate pocket calculator 
        EMW       Emulate Maytag Washer 
        EPI       Execute programmer immediately 
        ERD       Eject Removable Disk 
        EROS      Erase read-only storage 
        EXOI      Execute Operator Immediately 
        EXOP      Execute Operator 
        EXPP      Execute Political Prisoner 
        FSRA      Forms skip and run away 
        GFD       Go forth and divide 
        GFM       Go forth and multiply 
        HCF       Halt and Catch Fire
        IA        Illogical And 
        IBP       Insert bug and proceed 
        IIB       Ignore inquiry and branch 
        JDO       Jump and Destroy Operator 
        KCE       Kill Consultant on Error 
        LCC       Load and Clear Core 
        MBF       Multiply and Be Fruitful 
        MST       Mount Scotch Tape 
        MVAR      Move to Random Address 
        MVLR      Move and Lose Record 
        OHS       Order Ham Sandwich 
        PBC       Print and break chain 
        PD        Play dead 
        PDM       Play Drum Memory (dated, wot?) 
        PDSK      Punch disk 
        PI        Punch invalid 
        PLSC      Perform Light Show on Console 
        PM        Punch Memory 
        POPI      Punch operator immediately 
        PPS       Push or Pop Stack (6502 does this) 
        PS        Print and Smear 
        PS*       Punch obscenity 
        PSD       Pause and smoke dope 
        PVLC      Punch variable length card 
        RBT       Rewind and Break Tape 
        RCSD      Read Card and Scramble Deck 
        RD        Reverse directions 
        RDS       Read sideways 
        RFSC      Read Feed and Shred Card 
        RIRG      Read inter-record gap 
        RPB       Read Print and Blush 
        RPM       Read programmer's mind 
        RSC       Read and shred card 
        RSD       On read error self destruct 
        RSD       Read and Shuffle Deck 
        RSTOM     Read from store-only memory 
        RWCR      Rewind card reader 
        RWM       Rewind Memory 
        RWRT      Read While Ripping Tape 
        SD        Scatter Deck 
        SHAB      Shift a bit 
        SHLBM     Shift a little bit more 
        SMR       Skip on meaningless result 
        SOT       Sit on a tack 
        SPD       SPin dry Disk 
        SPOFF     Switch processor off 
        SPON      Switch processor on 
        SQPC      Sit quietly and play with your crayons 
        SQSW      Scramble program status word 
        SRSD      Seek record and scar disk 
        SRZ       Subtract and reset to Zero 
        SSD       Seek and Scar Disk 
        SSJ       Select stacker and jam 
        STROM     Store in read-only memory 
        TDB       Transfer and drop bits 
        TSE       Test and Swap if Equal 
        TSTT      Test a Bit for Two 
        UER       Update and Erase Record 
        UMH       Use Mains Voltage as Logic High 
        WBT       Water binary tree 
        WEMG      Write eighteen-minute gap 
        WPM       Write programmer's mind 
        WRC       Write on Read-Cycle 
        XSP       Execute Systems Programmer

CHRISTMAS IS BETTER

The Top Ten Reasons Christmas is better in Russia than in the USA.

10. Radio Moscow doesn't have that barking dog record.
9. Yule twig is easier to light than a Yule log.
8. Toilet paper makes a great stocking stuffer.
7. Russian winter keeps relatives from visiting.
6. Finding lump of coal in stocking not all that bad.
5. Easy to find parking space at mall (tough part is finding mall)
4. Eggnog has less egg and more nog.
3. One-Yak-open-sleigh is much more fun than one-horse-open-sleigh.
2. 12 hour workday discourages people from making homemade gifts.
1. No chance at all of seeing "It's a Very Brady Christmas".

POLITICALLY CORRECT TERMS

Far East - Asia
Censorship - Selective Speech
B.C. - B.C.E.
Older Students - Non-Traditional New-Traditional
Learning Disability - Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Cheating - Academic Dishonesty
Library - Educational Resource Center
Used Books - Recycled Books
Dorm - Residence Hall
Berkeley - Mecca
Broken Home - Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken - Family Disfunction
Mercy Killing - Euthanasia Putting... Down/to Sleep/Out of Misery
Insult - Emotional Rape
Cattle Ranch - Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"
Senile Bag o' Bones - Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio - (EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger - Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
Cheeseburger - Adding Insult to Injury
Trees - Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang - Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider - Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Drunk/Trashed - Spatially Perplexed
Slum - (EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
China - Porcelain
Delicatessen - Corpse Farm Charnel House

CLEAN JOKE

OWATONNA, Minn (AP) {found in a neswpaper from Buffalo, NY}

Roy Colette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years - and each time the package gets harder to open. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Ill. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette.

Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year.

The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel.

The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette.

Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel.

The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever.

Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.

Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas.

Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch.

Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.

Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a 1974 Gremlin with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.

"This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches.

"Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."

TV AXIOMS

There may be an occasional exception, but these are almost always true.

If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
Crazy people are always dangerous.
Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
Good guys are always outnumbered.
Good guys always win and get the girl.
Ugly people are always bad guys.
Good guys are always good looking.
Sex, murder, and mayhem is a way of life.
Good guys are the only ones that have a sense of humor.
Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.
If you jump hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enough.
The head bad guy is always smart. The guys working for him are always stupid.
Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
Bathrooms are only made for sex, murder, and drugs.
Haunted houses are never locked.
Women will faint at crucial times.
Good guys will always get shot in the arm or leg.
All Chinese people know Karate.
Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
Rich people are either unhappy or private detectives.
Teenagers are always smarter than their parents.
Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
Indians make good fodder.
Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
Computers never crash.
When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
No one farts, except after eating beans.
Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 people.
Bad guys will make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but will leave before finding out if it works.
Christmas Eve and Halloween night lasts for three or four days.
Movies based on true stories are always made up.
Police never wait for back-up.
Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
Private detective work is glamorous. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
All police killings are in self defense.
Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
Good guys don't take drugs.
Nobody on TV has time to watch TV.
Aren't you glad TV isn't true?

LICENSE PLATE FRAMES

(upside down): If you can read this ... Flip me back over
Get In, Sit Down, Hold On, Shut Up
Unless you're hemorrhoids, get off my ass!
I brake for tailgaters
If Clinton is the answer, It must have been a stupid question
P.S. If you want to get rid of cascades, mail a copy of each poster's posting back to the original and current poster. After a while they'll get the message.
96.37% of all statistics are made up.

A MOTHER'S LETTER

Here's a little something you all might enjoy. I believe this is an actual letter a mother had written to her son.

Dear Son:

I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper where most accidents happen within twenty miles of the house, so we moved. This place has a washin machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

It's only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send, your Aunt Sue said was to heavy to mail with all those big buttons on it so we cut them off and they're in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Granma's funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whiskey vat yesterday -- some men tried to pull him out but he fought 'em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he's still burning good this morning.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn't get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.

Love,
Your Mama

P.S. Was gonna send you some money but already had this sealed up.

CARPER'S INDEX

This was in a recent issue of The New Republic. I thought everybody might enjoy it.

Sales of Tupperware last year in Lima, Ohio: $890,000
Sales in Lima, Peru: $21.50
Percentage of Americans who think a bagel is a kind of dog: 3
Average amount of wood an American Woodchuck can chuck, in cubic feet: 11
Amount a Canadian woodchuck can chuck: 9
Percentage of articles in an average issue of Harper's that have previously appeared elsewhere: 65
In reader's Digest: 55
Number of lentils in a bag of dried lentils, on average: 4,832
Number of calls received by the White House after Bush's defeat: 233
After the Gettysburg Address: 0
Change, since the election, in percentage of illegal aliens who say they suffer from headaches: -5
Number of topless doughnut shops now operating in Broward County, Florida: 1
Price of a glazed doughnut in Moscow, in rubles: 14,000
Percentage of rats that developed leukemia after hearing a tape of Pat Buchanan's republican convention speech: 19
After being read "Pat the Bunny": 2
Percentage of residents of Tupelo, MS who do not have air conditioners but say they wish they did: 32
Percentage of residents of Tupelo, MS who have air conditioners but say they wish they didn't: 6
Date in November that is the birth of Jerry Lewis: 14
Chances that a dapple-leafed maple in the state of Washington will live past the age of 8: 1 in 450
Increase, since 1973, in the number of Americans who cannot correctly identify the day, month, or year: +11
Percentage change in the number of Taiwanese businessmen with advanced degrees, 1980-86: +3.4%
Percentage of readers who find that fact vaguely interesting: .07%
Number of letters in George Stephanopoulos's last name: 14
Chances that an ostrich has an eating disorder: 1 in 11
Number of gunshots fired in the film Terminator 2: 3,258
In The Rescuers: 11
On an average night in the Bronx's 11th Precinct: 98
Average number of hours of TV watched by an American fourth-grader, daily: 11.
By a Saudi teenager: .005
Average life expectancy of an asbestos miner, in years: 57
Current age of Ronald Reagan: 81
Year the air quality index in Ventura County is expected to reach current levels in Nome, Alaska: 2036
Year President Nixon resigned: 1974
Average annual government expenditure on embossing invitations for State Dept. Dinners: $400,000
Average annual governement expenditure on polio vaccines for minority children: $380,000
Percentage of statistics on this page that are numbingly obvious: 61
Percentage that are naggingly polemical: 39
Percentage of Americans who think that public television should be abolished: 90
Percentage who have sexual fantasies about David Gergen: 6
Number of people in Louisiana who voted for David Duke last year: 542,344
Percentage who read Harper's: 0
Number of times a year Susan Sontag says she cooks dinner at home: 2
What she cooks: pasta
Percentage increase in contempt of Harper's editors for most Americans, per day: +17%
Chances that you are still reading this: 1 in 850,000

Figures cited are completely made up, as of November 1992. Carper's Index is not a registered trademark. Feel free to reprint this in Harper's magazine next month.

BOOT CAMP

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.

The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you *@$&*s$% to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$&*s!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.

The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"

The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.

"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.

"Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

TAGLINES

What do you mean? You actually read this tagline?!?

CLINTON = Congressional Leader Inhales Next Toke: Occuring November.

What time is it when you see a Geo following a Geo? Tin after tin.

Reality-ometer: [\........] Hmmph! Thought so...

Two most common elements in the universe: Hydrogen & Stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

"We are upping our standards... so up yours!"

NY cops go bar-hopping, LA cops go night-clubbing.

Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

We're off to see the Gizzard. The wonderful Gizzard of ID.

Two blonds in a Volkswagon: farfromthinkin.

!enif tsuj si gnihtyrevE

Bad Advertising: Rush Limbaugh Home Fitness Center.

"... The prostitution rests." -- Kelly Bundy.

RAM = Rarely Adequate Memory

ROM = Really Old Machine

IBM = In a Big Mess

IBM = Imbecile Behind Macintosh

8080 - gud spel cekkir

NEXT - Next what?

Typing -adj., the art of turning on bathroom light to see the keyboard

Multitasking - Reading in the bathroom.

Documentation - The worst part of programming.

"DEL*.*" - Best file compressor around, 100% compression.

System halted - Press all keys at once to continue.

ERROR, no keyboard - Press F1 to continue.

COBOL - Programmers understand why women hate periods.

MODEM - Deterrent to receiving wanted & unwanted calls.

DOS bugs - They just keep on going, and going, and going.

Coming soon - Netware for Nintendo

Keyboard -n., device for entering errors into system.

Syntax Errors - The only way to keep a programmer busy.

Structured Programming - go with the flow.

Dosshell? Of course DOS is hell!

AMI BIOS? No you are @N@.

486DX4 100Mhz. Do you smell something burning?

Not ready reading drive A: Abort, Retry, Influence with large hammer

Computer lovers' most hated words, "Get your floppy out of my slot!"

Double your Hard Drive Space: DELETE WINDOWS!

To kill a bad sector UNIX it.

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere!

This tagline is SHAREWARE! To register, send me $10

A feature is a bug with seniority.

Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch!

He who dies with the most taglines wins!

Press (ALT-A) to adopt me! I need a better home.

General failure reading drive A: Please remove your fist.

New computer? But I like my vacuum tubes... They keep me warm.

You can multi-task on C64's... Keep a multitude of them.

Error finding COLD BEER. Sysop not loaded.

Windows pratical joke: Write a program that works.

Buy a Pentium so you can reboot faster!

On this BBS, we recycle all our bytes, bit by bit.

Press ESC to enter or ENTER to escape...

My modem isn't slow. It's "baudly" challenged.

My hard disk went on a diet & lost its FAT.

Windows is not a virus. Viruses do something

Classified tagline. Please enter password:_

I *love~my@&*$ computer,&*&( It's ��made in Tai��wan !?

Your E-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

This tagline brought to you by Windows: Creator of the biggest virus

5 1/4" and 8" diskettes- good frisbees.

Make friends with sysops: page at 3 a.m.

File not found... Delete user instead? (Y/y)

Have you crashed your Windows today?

Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion.

Since GOD spelled backwards is DOG, is my poodle Satan?

I miss my wife - but my aim is getting better.

Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken....

///\oo/\\\ Bugs?///\oo/\\\ ///\oo/\\\ What bugs?///\**/\\\///\oo/\\\

Paula Jones to Bill Clinton-"No thanks, I choke on small bones!"

How come pizza gets to your house faster than the police?

Turn your 486 into a gameboy, type OS2 at the C:\ prompt.

Origin of life? Just check my refrigerator...

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I gess hukd on fonix wurkd for yoo too.

I'm sorry, officer-I didn't know these freeways had no-smoking lanes.

Thunderclap - an extremely violent form of VD.

How do you make Windows faster? Throw it harder!

No honey, I can't eat with the family. My computer gets lonely!

Error 3032 - Recursion error. See error 3032.

Ouch! Got my floppy caught in my PKZipper!

Ohio: Where men are men and the sheep are..... SCARED!

Ignorance is curable. Stupidity is permanent.

I'm not a complete idiot... Several parts are missing!

I've got a Mickey Mouse PC with a Goofy operating system.

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

Thinking is a bad habit, be a turnip!

RAM DISK is NOT an installation procedure!

"Sects! Sects! Sects! Is that all you monks think about?"

Why can't women leave the lid up?

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination?

In case of emergency, break glass, scream, bleed to death.

Liberal tagline: friends don't let friends make up their own mind.

Alimony is having to say you're sorry once a month.

Preserve wildlife... pickle a squirrel.

I want to live with a synonym girl.

Wheaties and beer: the breakfast of ex-champions.

Visit your money this year - vacation in Washington, D.C.

If sanity were dollars I'd be bankrupt.

May your Gakh never wonder off your plate.

McBorg's -- over half a billion assimilated.

I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be... ooooohh, doughnuts!

They say give your money to God, but they give you THEIR address.

Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

Feet smell? Nose runs? Hey, you're upside down!

He's dead? I thought he was imitating Al Gore.

Dawn crept across the lawn, searching for her car keys.

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

Support mental health, or I'll kill you!

Help stamp out intolerance!

I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it.

Save the chocolate moose!

Archaeologists will date any old thing.

I brake for brick walls.

Fight organized crime, stamp out the IRS!

Eschew obfuscation

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!

Honest, officer! The dwarf was on fire when I got here.

I hate taglines.

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.

Ah know what a bagel is, but what kind of dog is a lox?

My life is not organized around high probability events.

We will, we will, pun you!

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.

I may not be right, but I'm never wrong!

Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Be consistent - but don't do it all the time.

This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.

Managing programmers is like herding cats.

I'm positively enameled with this subject.

Minding your own business will not be tolerated.

Rabbits reproduce like taglines.

Zen Druidry: transcendental vegetation.

"Dr. Scott!" "Janet!" "Brad!" "Rocky!" "YO ADRIAN!"

Hi, my name is John, and I'm a closet lurker.

From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*

MicroSoft, makers of the best viruses since 1985.

Never feed your cat anything that clashes with the carpet!

Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser.

The seabird hater left no tern unstoned.

Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.

I think, therefore I am... dangerous.

Nice computers don't go down.

If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday.

People have one thing in common, they're all different.

Geometry: what the acorn said after it grew up.

Cogito, ergo Hormel - I think, therefore I Spam.

I'm having an out-of-money experience.

Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer.

The only wormhole I've seen went through an apple.

I'm not short and heavy, I'm just traveling near the speed of light.

Borg? Where? I don't se*(#$#..NO CARRIER

ASSORTED SHORT JOKES

My wife told me of a book about finding the G spot. I went to a bookstore. I couldn't even find the book... My wife bought it for me. There were no pictures, maps, or diagrams. It just said it was about two-thirds of the way in. Great. Compared to who?

People want to take sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity If you have the knowledge, you use it. Hey, I took algebra. I never do math.

My father said, "Mike, if you masturbate you'll go blind." I said, "Dad--I'm over here."

Once the teacher told the kids to prepare an essay on the theme "There is only one mother. The children prepared themselves very well, and every kid told a beautiful story of love, family and parents. When it came Johnny's turn, he spoke: "One day I got back from school, and saw nobody inside. Then I poked in the parents' bedroom and I saw our neighbor lying on my mother. My mother saw me and told: 'Johnny, go to the kitchen and bring us two bottles of vodka from the refrigerator.' So I went to the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and I shouted: 'There is only one, mother!'"

The horse and mule live 30 years
And know nothing of wines and beers
The goat and sheep at 20 die
and never taste of scotch and rye
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done
The dog at 15 cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in 12 short years it croaks
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs and dies at 10
All animals are strictly dry
They sinless live and swiftly die
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score and ten
And some of us the mighty few
Stay pickled til we're 92

Now on sale, in Aisle 5 of the Divine Supermarket---Lives, and Clues. Buy yours now and avoid the rush! They make great Christmas gifts!

Cynicism is only realism projected into the future.

If your fondest wish is to fly, don't draw up plans for flippers.

Down in Florida, there's a little hotel, four floors high. A girl used to take a sunbath there every day. Since there were no higher hotels near it, she would take off her bathing suit and be in the nude. So she was in the nude and she was lying on her stomach, and she heard someone coming up the steps. She quickly grabbed the towel and put it around her. The man said, "I wish you wouldn't sunbathe in the nude up here." She said, "You never protested before." He said, "No, but I wish you would do it like you did before, in your bathing suit." She said, "Why do you care? No one can see." He said, "Madam, you happen to be lying on the skylight of a dining room."

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand. One of his golfing buddies says to him, "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?" And the guy says, "Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made. You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough and it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes." And his friend says, "That's great. Where did you get it?" And the guy says, "I found it."

Disclaimer

This message does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this message freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to change without notice; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this message is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; message is provided "as is" without any warranties; reader assumes full responsibility; an equal opportunity message; no shoes, no shirt, no message; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to read them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not read if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading; read only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking this message could be hazardous to your health; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician; may cause drowsiness, alcohol may intensify this effect; use caution when operating a car or dangerous machinery; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to read; objects in mirror are closer than they appear; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper reading, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized reading, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply; Contest ends 12-31-98.

You might be a college student if...

...you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
...you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
...you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
...you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
...you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
...you have ever seen two consectutive sunrises without sleeping.
...your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups.
...your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
...you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
...you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
...you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
...the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
...you go to the local shopping center at 1:00 a.m., walk around for an hour, and not buy anything.

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.

Top 10 reasons compilers must be female:

10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Small-talk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild.

A Daughter's Letter

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remise in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are sitting down. Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches one a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department he works for. Although they say he runs his office from his truck.

Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no schwartze in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, ...and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Needsay Moore

Warning: New Viruses

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS
It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2
Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer. ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS
The computer locks up, screen splits eratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

PBS VIRUS
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

SEARS VIRUS
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating. "Read my docs.... No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS
Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS
Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars it's programmer will take it back.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS
Smokes but doesn't inhale, gets files trimmed for $200 and makes your computer sleep with Hilary.

30 Signs that Technology has Taken Over Your Life

Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house - only computers with laser printers.
You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
You despise people who use low baud rates.
When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
You back up your data every day.
Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track pad.

Creative Answering Machine Messages

Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
[Drawling granny voice:] Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... [Cachunk!]
Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
[Very fast:] Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP.
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
[In a bored voice:] Heaven, God speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking about it...
Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.
[Deadpan voice:] Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. [Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.] OK, what would you like me to tell me?
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...
I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know this is an answering machine? Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist. One way to find out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you back.
I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow. So please leave a message after the tone. I didn't take a shower today, and I might not take one tomorrow. So if you don't leave a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in person.
[Noisy pick-up of phone.] Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number, I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did you say you live?
If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.
I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.
[Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:] Hello, this is the executioner. Joe can't come to the phone right now because he's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him, he'll call you back.
Tim's dead! And God only knows where Lisa is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
[Drunken voice:] You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!
Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now, so... Hey -- that's a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time... Yes indeedy. Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might even play my beep for you.
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?
[Star Trek theme in the background:] [Voice 1:] Room 17, the final frontier. [Voice 2:] These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. [Voice 3:] To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.
Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.
[Darth Vader voice:] Speak, worm!
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.
You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.
Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.
Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.
I'm gone.
You have reached 555-6238. Why?
This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.
You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. [Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.]
[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:] Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.
Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.
Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home. Watch me pull their message out of this machine! Rocky: Again? Bullwinkle: Nuthin' up my sleeve... PRESTO! [Sound of vicious dog barking, stops abruptly.] Bullwinkle: Must have been a wrong number. Rocky: Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.
These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
Thank you for calling Santa's workshop. Santa can't come to the phone right now, and the elves are out back barbecuing Blitzen. After the tone, please leave your Christmas list, and maybe we'll get back to you!
C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this--beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!
Kemosabe no in teepee now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
[Sung to the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries"] Leave me a message...leave me a message....etc.
Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is BABY BOOTIES.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll...don't even think about it!....Don't....!
This is the Metropolitan Opera Amateur Audition Hotline. After the tone, sing Vesti la Giubba and La Donna e Mobile....
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}
[Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I'll get back to you.
[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my shoulders really could use it, and... What? You're only supposed to leave a MESSAGE? Darn....
Bwana fella no home now, so you fella leave talkie-talk. Bwana 'im big fella mek talkie-talk back real fas'.

Disorder in the Court

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings. Here are some exerpts from actual courtroom transcripts.

Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
A: Borofkin.
Q: What's his first name?
A: I can't remember.
Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!

Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A: I refuse to answer that question.
Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A: No.

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: What is your name?
A: Ernestine McDowell.
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
A: My ex-widow said it.

Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A: I should be.
Q: How many times have you comitted suicide?
A: Four times.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q: Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?

Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
A: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on... what did you see?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: [Showing man picture.] That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

You Know You've Been Hacking Too Long When...

you want an elevator to the basement and begin looking for the "0" key, because 0 is less than 1.

you are afraid to hit the snooze bar on your alarm clock too many times because you think that the clock's subroutine is mallocing memory each time it goes to print the free memory on the front, and soon it would run out.

you look for your toothbrush by trying to do a '/toothbrush' command.

you are trying to recall something and hear in your head: "Parity error at address..."

you're writing a homework assignment, and get to the end of the line in the middle of a sentence, tack on a '\', and continue writing on the next line.

you pick up a rootbeer and read the label as "High Res", not Hires.

you try to sleep, and think, "telnet sleep.cs.mun.ca".

you have two books, one on top of another, and think: "No problem. I'll just click on its title bar to raise the other book to the front."

you hear a professor lecturing, and think that any question will crash his/her lecture interpreter.

you hit the wrong key on the elevator keypad and you feel frustrated when you see that it has no "Undo" key.

you think of the lyrics to "Jump! Jump!" by Kris Kross and wonder if they can be assembled...

you start typing semi-colons at the end of sentences instead of full stops.

you see something written on the blackboard and think: "Why don't I just log on and download it?"

you think you can't wake up in the morning because you forgot to push a return address on the stack the night before.

you plan a hectic day as follows: "My load average seems to be a bit too high, my scheduler might die any moment, and I'm running out of swap space... I'd better kill off some low-priority user processes."

you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

you are watching TV and look for the "Info" key on the remote control to find out the name of the program.

you want to grep a book.

you want to grep a videocassette.

you want to 'grep toothbrush /dev/gym_bag'.

you want to 'grep keys /dev/pockets'.

you want to 'grep homework /dev/backpack'.

your children do something they shouldn't, you tell them to stop, and they do it just once more, and you react by thinking: "Well, they prefetched the instruction and are executing it in the delay slot..."

after fooling around all day with routers and other junk, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

the bell rings ending class while the professor is in the middle of a sentence, and you think, "How in the world is he going to carry that continuation back to his office?"

you watch the temperature display on The Weather Network say that it is -0 degrees outside, and you catch yourself wondering if it is sign-magnitude or 1's-complement.

you get in an elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

you go to the movies and it takes 5 minutes to get used to the flicker (low refresh rate...)

you go to the movies and catch yourself wondering what the color depth of the screen image is.

you see a flock of birds, and you sit there and try to figure out the algorithms that determine their movement.

not only do you check your e-mail more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

your computers have a higher street value than your car.

in your universe, "round numbers" are powers of 2, not 10.

more than once, you have woken up recalling a dream in FORTRAN.

your alarm clock goes off, and you think it is spawning new alarm clock processes and you have to kill them quickly so it doesn't fill up the process table and prevent you from doing anything about it. The only problem is, there is a monitor process that you can't kill, and every time you kill off one of the ring_alarm(x) processes, it waits 9 minutes and spawns another one.

you wish you could 'sleep 24000 &'.

you try to bring a window to the front of something, then you realize that the "something" is a post-it (tm) on your screen.

in art class, you make a mistake in a drawing and look frantically for the "Undo" button on the paper.

you've been low-level debugging ethernets for a week and when you see two people at a table trying to pick up the same jar of butter you wonder if they are using the correct CSMA/CD algorithm to avoid a re-collision.

Car Acronyms

BMW - Babbling Mechanical Wench, Beastly Monstrous Wonder, Beautiful Masterpeice on Wheels, Big Money Waste, Blasphemous Motorized Wreck, Born Moderately Wealthy, Break My Windows, Broken Money Waster, Broken Monsterous Wreck, Bumbling Mechanical Wretch

Chevy - Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

Dodge - Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter

Fiat - Failure in Automotive Technology Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

Ford - First On Recall Day Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's

GMC - Generally Mediocre Cars Got More Crap

Mopar - Most Often Passed At Races Mostly Old Parts And Rust Mainly Old Paint And Rust

SAAB - Swedish Automobile - Always Broken

Toyota - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

100 Ways to Order a Pizza

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Stutter on the letter "p."
Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
Rent a pizza.
Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
Play a sitar in the background.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Ask to see a menu.
Quote Carl Sandberg.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
Psychoanalyze the order taker.
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
Report a petty theft to the order taker.
Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
Try to talk while drinking something.
Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
Put them on hold.
Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
Haggle.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Order term life insurance.
When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
Engage in some serious swapping.
Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.
Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
Order a steamed pizza.
Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

50 things to do in the Computer Lab

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream, "Oh my! They've found me!" and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song at the highest volume possible over and over again.
Work normally for awhile. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Type for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Stand on your chair and yell, "Help! There's a mouse." as you point to the computer's mouse.
Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
"DISK FIGHT!"
Turn the brightness on the monitor way down. Pull out a flash light and shine it on the screen. Act as if it helps you see the text on the screen.
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a (wo)man on a piece of paper and tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that (wo)men are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the 3.5 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for awhile, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard, and taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known each other all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."
Bring a sleeping bag and pillow. Login to all the machines in one row. Lay down and go to sleep.

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "mmmm... tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
Say "Man, I can't believe my spouse caught Ebola."

100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You jerk" and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Help! Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V. with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
Send flowers to your roommate with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
Start wearing a crown all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who do you think you are? A king?"
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
Read the phone book out loud excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "I'll get that pesky road runner...."
Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
Talk like a pirate all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

Failure to Communicate

This is a transcript of a radio conversation between a US and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

When I am an Evil Overlord...

My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push".
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me-I'll do it myself.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum-a small hote l well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Evening massage - 6 p.m.
The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD: Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

You Might Be From a Small Town If...

You can name everyone you graduated with
You get a whiff of manure and think of home
You know what 4-H is
You ever went to "headlight parties"
You used to drag "main"
You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't
You ever went cow-tipping
You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties
You have parties at the same guy's house
School gets canceled for state sporting events
The town social events are their children's
You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)
When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them
Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old (but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest smut
You were ever in the Homecoming parade
You have ever gone home for Homecoming
You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have gained weight or quit taking care of yourself
No place sells gas on Sunday
Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)
You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
You ordered your wardrobe out of a catalog
You had senior skip day
The whole school went to the same party after graduation
The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves across the street
You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)

Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"

Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That is right"

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family.

Neighbor 1: "Right again"

New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"

Neighbor 1: "Correct"

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"

Neighbor 1: "Yup"

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"

Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day...

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning? What is that?"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No."

Neighbor 1: "Fag."

Important lessons learned from the movie Godzilla

The best way to pay for the $150 million spent on promoting a movie is to include $150 million in plugs for other companies during the movie...
Gojira (pronounced GO JEER UH) is Japanese for "Stupid American woman doesn't understand my Japanese accent"
Crown Victoria's can be crushed, eaten, spit out, trampled -- and in the end the head-lights still work.
Godzilla's kids look suspicously like the velociraptors in Jurasic Park.
Godzilla's last fight scene ended much the same way King Kong's did (heartbeat & all).
Having been to Manhatten Island, where the average speed of cars is 6mph, there is no way to evacuate it even in several days.
If you find yourself being chased by Godzilla babies, knocked down a large container of spherical objects (bubble-gum machine) and watch the fun begin.
Finally, if being chased by a big lizard through the streets of New York, make a tight U-turn and watch Mr. Lizard kiss asphalt.

Kid's Review of the Bible Stories

Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

If Microsoft Built Cars...

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

We're working on that smell thing, too.
Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
As seen on "COPS"
If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the Sheets
Not just for nooners anymore.
We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
You rented the room, now buy the video.
Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
It's Hookerriffic!
Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art since 1962!
Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
We put the "Ho" in "Motel"

The boss asked for a letter describing Bob Smith...

Dear Sir,

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

A follow-up memo was soon sent regarding the letter:

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, ...) for my true assessment of him.

Top 15 April Fool's Day Jokes To Pull On Programmers

"Look, Bill Gates!! Ha! Made ya look!"
Put them in the same room with a member of the opposite sex.
"Have you got Prince Albert in a LAN?"
Using their e-mail address, post a request for penpals to the alt.prison.bodypiercing newsgroup.
Three words: electric mouse buzzer.
Tell them that "everyone knows Star Trek transporter technology is bogus."
10 GOTO 10
Swap their monitor for a large cardboard box with handpuppets. Watch the fur fly!
Announce that annual raises will be based on a subjective test of one's ability to "schmooz the way the butt-kissers in Marketing do."
Intercept their daily Top 10 List, then remove #8 and re-insert it between #5 and #6.
Pretend to "discover" a Fox TV website with a now-out-of-date "Win a Weekend with Gillian Anderson of The X-Files" contest.
Every hour, on the hour, forward them a warning about the "Good Times" virus.
Call them up and ask if their program is running, and when they says "yes," tell them "well you better go catch it!"
Replace all the Jolt in the soda machine with Perrier and V8.
Special announcement: "Forget Java -- Starting immediately, all coding will be done in COBOL."

How to Give a Cat a Pill

Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. Resist impulse to get new cat.
Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!
This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on floor.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. Resist impulse to flatten cat.
Roll cat in towel. Work fast - time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
Take two asprins & lie down.

A Letter to the Smithsonian

The story behind this is that there is this nutball who digs things out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Lest we think we have challenges in responding, at times, to our constituency, I send this to you all as an exemplar of a public servant's considerate and thoughtful response.

From:
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago."

Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.
The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus Spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for theacceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.

We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities.

Seinfeld's take on matters

CLOTHES

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

TRAVELING

I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

TRAVELING (more)

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

TRAVELING (yet again)

Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes, when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit... I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on the ground for a while. I uh... Oh, God this is so embarrassing... I, I left the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."

TRAVELING (can you believe there's more)

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around 3 miles."

DEATH

The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage to trace around it?" How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement... the killer must have been... Jim."

THAT'S ODD

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there." But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?"

THAT'S ODD (revisited)

Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was a kid court of law it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat. "The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..." He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."

DATING

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

DATING (Deja vu)

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

SEX

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. And then they start out slow, but build up to a roaring inferno. And then once you think you've got the fire put out, it lights itself back up again.

SEX (again)

Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: "Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not swimming anywhere."

THE RELATIONSHIP

Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up."

THE RELATIONSHIP (part 2)

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

Taglines

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.

Do unto others, then run...

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Gynecologist = Mechanic

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "No no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it, a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.

Another True Story

A guy got a credit card bill stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. Next month he got another, did the same thing. The next month they sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his credit card if he didn't send them $0.00. He called them, and talked to them. They said it was "a glitch" and that they'd take care of it.

The following month he tried to charge something and couldn't. He called the credit card company who again said they'd take care of it. The next day he got his bill for $0.00 stating that he was very delinquent. The man figured the credit card company would take care of it, so he didn't worry. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay or his account was going to collection.

He mailed the credit card company a check for $0.00, and the credit card company's computer processed it, noting that his account was now paid in full. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. He explained and they said "well, your $0.00 check has caused our check processing software to fail. Now we can't process ANY of our checks from that day electronically because that $0.00 check is causing the program to abort."

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for he birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

The Pope... A Golfer? Nope.

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought is was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the world-class golfer. "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope. "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."

Stupid People

The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted "I know it is real, I see them check in every week!"

I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport infomation when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachussettes." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachussettes, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: click.

A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of of L.A.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Flordia is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "but they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the resveration, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actully laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exaclty he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these damn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she ment to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yea, whatever."

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China 4 times and everytime they have accepted my American Express."

Never Judge a Book by its Author

Is O. J. Guilty?..............Howard I. Know
Animal Illnesses............. Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation.........Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear .............Lucy Lastic
Downpour! ....................Wayne Dwops
Cloning ......................Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring ...............Lynn O'Leum
I Lived in Detroit ...........Helen Earth
Inflammation, Please .........Arthur Itis
Handel's Messiah .............Ollie Luyah
House Construction ...........Bill Jerome Home
Unemployed ...................Anita Job
Off to Market ................Tobias A. Pigg
Holmes Does it Again .........Scott Linyard
Home Alone IV ................Eddie Buddyhome
Lewis Carroll ................Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy ..................Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast ...Kareem O' Wheat
Neither a Borrower ...........Nora Lender Bee
The French Chef ..............Sue Flay
Tight Situation ..............Leah Tard
The Scent of a Man ...........Jim Nasium
Why Cars Stop ................M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows ..........Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger .................Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing ............Andover Hand
It's Springtime! .............Theresa Green
No! ..........................Kurt Reply
And Shut Up! .................Sid Downe

The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do... Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'."

It's Going to be a Rotten Day When...

...you wake up face down on the pavement.
...you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
...you see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.
...your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
...you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
...you turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
...your twin sister forgot your birthday.
...your car horn gets stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angles onto the freeway.
...your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
...the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
...you wake up and your braces are locked together.
...you call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
...your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
...your income check bounces.
...you put both contact lenses in the same eye.
...your pet rock snaps at you.
...your wife says "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
School lunches stick to the wall.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. No matter how cute the underwear is.

Two Digits for a Date

(to the tune of "Gilligan's Island," more or less)

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.

Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away.
It all will go away."

But Management had not a clue:
"It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero's less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.

(key change, big finish)

There's not much time,
There's too much code.
(And Cobol-coders, few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

Eight thousand years from now I hope
That things weren't left too late,
And people aren't then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.

Key portion of Windows Source Code

for( ; ; )
{
if ( !( eat_up_chunk_of_memory(NO_GOOD_REASON) ) )
crash( );

(bill_gates_balance++)++;
}

Jesus is watching you...

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Lighting a Charcoal Grill

Our subject today is lighting charcoal grills. One of our favorite charcoal grill lighters is a guy named George Goble (really!!), a computer person in the Purdue University engineering department. Each year, Goble and a bunch of other engineers hold a picnic in West Lafayette, Indiana, at which they cook hamburgers on a big grill. Being engineers, they began looking for practical ways to speed up the charcoal-lighting process. "We started by blowing the charcoal with a hair dryer," Goble told me in a telephone interview. "Then we figured out that it would light faster if we used a vacuum cleaner."

If you know anything about (1) engineers and (2) guys in general, you know what happened:

The purpose of the charcoal-lighting shifted from cooking hamburgers to seeing how fast they could light the charcoal. From the vacuum cleaner, they escalated to using a propane torch, then an acetylene torch. Then Goble started using compressed pure oxygen, which caused the charcoal to burn much faster, because as you recall from chemistry class, fire is essentially the rapid combination of oxygen with a reducing agent (the charcoal). We discovered that a long time ago, somewhere in the valley between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (or something along those lines). By this point, Goble was getting pretty good times. But in the world of competitive charcoal-lighting, "pretty good" does not cut the mustard. Thus, Goble hit upon the idea of using - get ready - liquid oxygen. This is the form of oxygen used in rocket engines; it's 295 degrees below zero and 600 times as dense as regular oxygen. In terms of releasing energy, pouring liquid oxygen on charcoal is the equivalent of throwing a live squirrel into a room containing 50 million Labrador retrievers.

On Gobel's Web page (the address is http://ghg.ecn.purdue.edu/), you can see actual photographs and a video of Goble using a bucket attached to a 10-foot-long wooden handle to dump 3 gallons of liquid oxygen (not sold in stores) onto a grill containing 60 pounds of charcoal and a lit cigarette for ignition. What follows is the most impressive charcoal-lighting I have ever seen, featuring a large fireball that according to Goble, reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The charcoal was ready for cooking in - this has to be a world record - 3 seconds. There's also a photo of what happened when Goble used the same technique on a flimsy $2.88 discount-store grill. All that's left is a circle of charcoal with a few shreds of metal in it. "Basically, the grill vaporized," said Goble. "We were thinking of returning it to the store for a refund."

Looking at Goble's video and photos, I became, as an American, all choked up with gratitude at the fact that I do not live anywhere near the engineers' picnic site. But also, I was proud of my country for producing guys who can be ready to barbecue in less time than it takes for guys in less-advanced nations, to spit.

Will the 3-second barrier ever be broken? Will engineers come up with a new, more powerful charcoal-lighting technology? It's something for all of us to ponder this summer as we sit outside, chewing our hamburgers, every now and then glancing in the direction of West Lafayette, Indiana, looking for a mushroom cloud. Engineers are like that.

This is a paraphrased version of Dave Barry's article from June 26, 1995 edition of the Lafayette Journal & Courier.

Cryptic Message

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

A dog
A donkey
A shovel
A fish
A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means that they were evidently Hebrews."

The gathered audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in agreement with our interpretations."

Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word." The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...

Now, look again... It now says:

"Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Bitch!"

Bumper stickers

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I drive this way to piss you off.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
Keep honking while I reload.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
Save the whales! Collect the whole set!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

Definitions

WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n. female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship. male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car's hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n. female: A woman who makes love to other women. male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch and get really turned on.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n. female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business. male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATUENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion. male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v. female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good. male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

The Darwin Awards

Darwin Awards are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of) those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a "pineapple." A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki need stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ian was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation enroute to the hospital.

A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000 ton wheat train and was dragged in his car more than a kilometer before being slammed into a pylon at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked for help. The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing. (I guess that would be harder to miss than the side of a barn!) The vehicle became wedged between the second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder if it was a Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest injuries.

Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver)to Ken's head and fired.

Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. It is good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.

RENTON, WA - On February 3, 1990, a man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:

The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door;
An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.

In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died... of hypothermia.

Japan Times, April 16, 1997 - "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of "Pumping", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, but passers-by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him.", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something." "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."

HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)

GULF BREEZE, FL - Three unidentified teenage males were using a home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had written. In a scene that called for one character to be ignited by fire, the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film.

BRADFORD, PA - J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in his yard. As a joke he placed the snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit to the local emergency room.

AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds. However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.

TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. One end was tied to Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

Dilbertisms

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are actual quotes from managers out there.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.
This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

Are You Feeling Old?

Consider this: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980...

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
Their world has always included AIDS.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes; they may have heard of an 8-track, but probably never actually seen (or heard) one.
The digital Disc was presented to Wall street when they were 1 year old.
From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
Few, if any, have lived without an answering machine.
Few have used a TV set with only 13 channels.
Some use the word "clickers" for "remote control", yet they do not know why they say it.
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

You're probably age 25 to 30 if...

You wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.

You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.

You remember LeFreak by Chic.

In your sophomore class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar "up."

"All-skate, change directions" means something to you.

In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.

You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the "tail gunner" position.

Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.

You actually know who Rick Springfield is.

You're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.

You remember Bo and Luke Duke.

There was nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together.

Knickers and leg warmers were cool.

You learned to swim about the same time "Jaws" came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.

You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and choreographed "Dancing Queen" by yourself in your room.

You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.

The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.

You ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.

You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding

You know who shot J.R.

This rings a bell: "My name, is Charlie... they work for me."

You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.

You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer.

You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.

You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.

You could sing "99 Red Balloons" in English and in German.

Two words: Feathered hair.

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those "brick-sized" packages of Bazooka gum.

The phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.

Urgent Warning from the Center for Disease Control

The President has proven you can get sex from aides.

A Week at the Computer Helpdesk

Monday

8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?

8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, Well, it works for me. Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

8:14am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message Error accessing Drive 0. Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.

11:00am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The Myst and Doom nationals are this weekend!

11:34am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

12:00pm
Lunch

3:30pm
Return from lunch.

3:55pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason. Return to napping.

4:23pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.

4:55pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.

Tuesday

8:30am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

9:00am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database! I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

9:35pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.

10:00am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's Reengineering for Customer Partnership I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

10:07am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.

1:00pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

1:05pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell Omigod -- Fire!

1:15pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

1:20pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for Notice Loads or NoLoad Goats, she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably Lettuce Nodes. Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.

2:00pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

2:49pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

Wednesday

8:30am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them of course, they should have been checking Bitset, not chipset. Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

10:00am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

10:30am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.

11:00am
Lunch.

4:55pm
Return from lunch.

5:00pm
Shift change; Going home.

Thursday

8:00am
New guy (Marvin) started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him Server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.

8:45am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

9:30am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. Nice plaids Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!

11:00am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves (Always have backups). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!

11:55am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: Whereas all new employees beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide substance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift. Marvin doubts. I point to Corporate Policy database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers! I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.

1:00pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

4:30pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

5:00pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

Friday

8:00am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.

9:00am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

9:02am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call telecommunications.

9:30am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.

10:17am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.

11:00am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.

11:20am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

11:23am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

11:25am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. So hard to get good help... I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. No problem!

11:30am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff I tell him.

12:00am
Lunch.

1:00pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.

1:03pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

2:30pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.

2:39pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

2:50pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

3:00pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:00pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to 2 in help databases.

4:30pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a Edit -- Select All, hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.

4:45pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

4:58pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.

5:00pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend. Cheers.

The Laws of Work

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again: quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss' boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

A True Story from the WordPerfect Helpline.

Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.",

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer."

Keeping Things in Perspective

The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.

Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.

So FIVE people have jobs worse than yours! Now stop complaining.

Rent

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

it had never been occupied;
that there was plenty of heat;
that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.

Jerks

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello???" I politely said, May I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the polite voice changed to a loud scream, "WRONG NUMBER" and hung up with a slam! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Then when the phone company introduced caller ID, I was disappointed, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello???" I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"

Then, the other day this old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You cant just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk; there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling Jerk # 1 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem, I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution. First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

I love this one. He says, "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jerk!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2"s house. There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

It was a nice way to break the boring cycle I had gotten myself into.

Marriage

It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle, Altar, Hymn.

Top 50 Oxymorons

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline Food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
American history
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt Head
Hot Chili
Software documentation
New York culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then ..."
Synthetic natural gas
Devout atheists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works

The Canoe

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole."

If God had a PC . . .

In the beginning, there was the computer.

And God entered:

C:\>Let there be light!

Enter user ID

C:\>God

Enter password

C:\>Omniscient

Invalid password

Enter password

C:\>Omnipotent

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

C:\>Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command

C:\>Create light

Done

C:\>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

C:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

C:\>Create firmament

Done.

C:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

C:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

C:\>Create dry_land

Done.

C:\>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

C:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:\>Create sun_moon_stars

Done

C:\>Run sun_moon_stars

And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

C:\>Create fish

Done

C:\>Create fowl

Done

C:\>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

C:\>Create cattle

Done

C:\>Create creepy_things

Done

C:\>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:\>Create man

Done

C:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors..

C:\>Insert breath

Done

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

C:\>Move man to Garden of Eden

Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:\>Create Garden_of_Eden

Too many parameters

C:\>Create Garden.edn

Done

C:\>Move man to Garden.edn

Done

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

C:\>Copy woman from man

Done

C:\>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 2 errors.

C:\>Create desire

Done

C:\>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:\>Create freewill

Done

C:\>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:\>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

C:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:\>Create good, evil

Done

C:\>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

C:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:\>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

C:\>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:\>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

C:\>Ctrl_Break

C:\>Ctrl_Break

C:\>Ctrl_Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

C:\>Create new world

You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

C:\>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

C:\>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

On Saturday, March 7, God rested.

On March 8, God created Macintosh.

And God saw that it was GOOD.

How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?
Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Rodney Dangerfield's One-Liners:

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy... why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... But he pulled through."

My mother had morning sickness -- after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him... do you think we'll ever find them? He said... I don't know kid... there are so many places they can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect".

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him... "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said "Alright... you're ugly too!"

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and said "Look ... twins!"

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

One Liners

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway.

I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.

Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a REAL man to face cancer.

I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?

To all you virgins... thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

If something goes without saying, LET IT!

Help wanted -- telepathy: you know where to apply.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. Want it?

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God loves stupid people. That's why he made so many.

I said "NO" to drugs... but they just WOULDN'T listen.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump, and spill your drink.

Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling so marvelous myself.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty... Now beam down my clothes!

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Rules of the South

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as Bubba. You have a 75% chance of being right.
Just because you can drive in the snow and does not mean we can. Stay home the 2 days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be by shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of the way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food at the movie store.
If it cannot be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
Remember "ya'll" is singular. "All ya'll" is plural. "all y'all's" is plural possessive.
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
Get used to hearing, "you ain't from around here, are you?"
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
Be advised: The 'He needed killin' defense is valid here.
If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most miniscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
In southern churches, you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy"
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, and rocks, you're better off trying to find it by yourself.

English As She Is Spelled

I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.

When eye strike a quay, right a word I weight four it two say Weather
eye am wrong oar wright It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Sauce unknown

Eating Ants

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

I'm Glad I'm a Woman

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

I'm Glad I'm a Man

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

Basic Truths

Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
Save the whales...collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a big rock.
On the other hand...you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable...except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down... the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late, her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be...without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you ever noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof...to the sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed...skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it!
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
It has recently been determined that research causes cancer in lab rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget the book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to simply serve as a warning to others.
Sky's Law: You cannot fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Landlord Letters

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords...

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

"I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

"I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

"Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."

"Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away."

"When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."

Quick Thinking

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only a half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".

"Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"My wife is from Minnesota!"

The boy replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"